THE CLONE WARS
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This was an unsolicited spec script written for and submitted to Salter Street films in 1999/2000. LEXX, the television series, and the characters of Lexx, 790, Stanley Tweedle, Kai and Xev are all properties, copyrights and trademarks held and owned by Salter Street Films, its corporations and corporate interests, and by its heirs and assigns including Alliance Atlantis Films and Echo Park Holdings. No ownership or interest of any sort is asserted or implied with the use of these characters. All usage is non-commercial, with no fees, licenses or charges, and no revenue arising therefrom. The work is free to the public, and constitutes fair use or fair dealing as parody, satire, review and commentary.
All elements, characters, concepts, and plot or story elements not owned by Salter Street Films, and its heirs and assigns, are copyright (c) D.G. Valdron, 2000.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
The LEXX cruises through the void. It passes through an asteroid belt, gliding past pieces of shattered rock. As one of the pieces rotates, we see clinging to part of the surface, the remains of a destroyed city, an assembly of shattered domes and sheared off towers. For a second, we see a swirl of small dark objects, spinning out of the shattered domes and heading towards the LEXX.
INT. LEXX, GALLEY NIGHT
STAN is alone in the galley, playing with food/goo in a Divine Predecessor Mask. XEV steps into the galley, concealing something behind her back, and smiling coquettishly. STAN glances at her warily.
Hello STANLEY, I’ve been looking all over for you.
STAN glances at her warily, and continues to play with his food.
Oh yeah? You haven’t seemed very interested, lately.
XEV smiles winsomely.
Things changed Stanley. After all, it’s a very big universe and there’s only one of you.
STAN smiles, looking away from XEV. It’s his evil, knowing smile.
Ah, you’re finally coming around.
XEV’S hips swing slightly. Her hands clasped behind her back, arching her shoulders and thrusting her breasts out. She is deliberately posing and flirting.
Well Stanley, a girl can only stand it so long.
XEV watches and smiles as STAN’S eyes appreciatively slide over her body.
Maybe I’m not interested right now.
XEV pouts. Again, as STAN turns his face away, there’s a small evil smile.
Oh come on Stanley. Close your eyes, and I’ll do something I’ve been
needing to do for a long, long, long time.”
No tricks? No funny stuff? No jokes?
I guarantee, nothing funny. Now close your eyes.
I’d been planning to give it to you. Why not now?
STAN shrugs. STAN turns his back to put his shadow mask away, grinning broadly. He reaches for something just out of sight.
Just a second…..
XEV hits him with her club. STAN goes down immediately. XEV, grinning wolfishly, keeps on swinging as blood speckles her face. The room filling with the sound of dull meaty thuds.
Are you laughing STAN? Is it funny? Is it funny?
INT. LEXX, A SMALL CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Labouriously XEV drags STAN’S dead body through the uneven floor of the ship. Her face is drenched with sweat, and she’s panting slightly. She stops to listen, and looks nervous and worried. But she hears only the slow pulsing and gurgles of fluids in the LEXX’s labyrinthine arteries. After a second, she wipes her brow, reaches down for his legs and begins begins to drag STAN’S body again.
INT. LEXX, BATHROOM – NIGHT
We see that XEV has dragged STAN’S corpse to the toilets. Grimacing with disgust, grunting with effort, XEV lifts the limp corpse and stuffs it one limb after another into the toilet. The toilet belches, and shudders, as STAN is stuffed feet first into it.
STAN’S eyes open suddenly. XEV gasps with horror as STAN grabs her wrist, struggling not to be sucked down into the LEXX. For a few seconds, they wrestle silently, neither speaking, STAN’S expression a grimace of hatred and fear.
Slowly, XEV puts her hand on STAN’S face shoving him further and further down. With a belching rumble LEXX suddenly absorbs its former captain.
XEV stares for a second. Then she straightens up and wipes her hands.
Then suddenly her whole body lurches, the breath goes out of her. She stares down. There is something between her breasts, something metallic. Staring down, she reaches to touch it, not quite comprehending. It is a metal shaft sticking out of her. Slowly, XEV sinks to her knees, eyes rolling up into her head as she pitches forward, dead.
Behind her, Stanley Tweedle grimly releases the makeshift spear as XEV’S body topples. His eyes are hard and vicious. His face, lit from below, is almost demonic. He whispers:
Payback’s a bitch. Bitch.
INT. LEXX – LARGE CHAMBER – NIGHT
STAN is trying to whistle as he strolls through the LEXX. It is a tuneless, toneless whistle, but he keeps trying. He’s exploring the LEXX’S tunnels, looking around with obvious interest. There is always the hope of discovering something. A hidden chamber, some sort of treasure, even a butterfly. Mainly it is just endless corridors of ganglions.
STAN slips suddenly, almost falling. He braces himself against a ganglion, and examines the bottom of his shoe.
What was that? Some sort of goop? He reaches down, a pinkish gray goo drips from his fingers. STAN looks disgusted, and wipes his fingers off against the ganglion.
STAN continues on, staring down, scuffing his foot. He doesn’t see the dark humanoid form until he was almost on him.
It is KAI, standing, facing away from STAN, his face relaxed and calm as always. But there’s something wrong with his appearance. His hair isn’t quite right, there’s a blemish on his skin.
STAN stops confused. His brows wrinkle with concern.
KAI? I thought you were in the Freezer.
what’s wrong, is there trouble?
KAI swivels gracefully to face STAN, his face calm and impassive. With a clearer view, we can see that there is indeed something wrong. His face appears to be deteriorating. The skin rough and pale.
STAN steps towards KAI and then stops. STAN looks very concerned, and a little nervous now. Something is very wrong with KAI.
Kai? What’s wrong with you? Your facE is peeling or something.
KAI lifts a hand to his cheek, bits of flesh come away with his fingers. KAI’S neutral expression does not change. He stares at the bits of flesh for a second, and then rubs his fingers together, as his calm gaze returns to STAN.
It is not important.
STAN steps forward, and then steps back a bit, uncertain of what to do.
I don’t know KAI, it almost looks like
you’re starting to rot. Maybe you should
go back to coldsleep until we get this
KAI steps forward and raises his arm.
Stanley, it is time for you to die.
STAN freezes. Just as KAI is about to fire his brace, his foot slips knocking him off balance. The Brace sizzles past STAN’S ear, embedding in the leathery flesh of the LEXX right behind him.
STAN’S paralysis snaps. With an inarticulate scream STAN turns and flees down the winding corridors.
KAI stares coldly down the hallway, bits of flesh clearly falling away. For an instant KAI glances down, to see that he had slipped in a small wad of pinkish gray goop, no larger than his palm. He picks it up and squeezes it between his fingers. KAI’S gaze returns to the corridor STAN fled down. With his relentless rolling walk KAI begins to follow.
INT. LEXX – CRYO CHAMBER – NIGHT
STAN bursts into the Cryo-Chamber room, looking fearful and exhausted. He stumbles towards the one of the Cryo-Chamber units, and leans back against it, gasping for breath. STAN is literally shivering with fright. He wipes the sweat from his forehead with his cap. He talks to himself:
It’s a nightmare. It’s like that
nightmare where Gigerotta’s chasing me.
STAN is visibly trying to calm himself. He closes his eyes and repeats:
Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare.
All I have to do is wake up.
STAN opens his eyes, still obviously in the Cryo-Chamber room.
Calm, Stan, Calm. Figure something out.
You’re still the captain of the LEXX.
You blow up planets. There’s a way out
of this. Calm. Calm. Calm.
As STAN repeats his Mantra, he turns and rests his forehead against the Cryo-Chamber Unit. He glances up. There is something in KAI’S Cryo Chamber Unit. Brow furrowing in confusion, STAN steps back a little for a better look. A look of uncertainty and confusion crosses his face.. Peering carefully, he rubs the frost from the surface of the glass.
KAI’S motionless dead face is revealed within. KAI is still frozen in the Cryo-Chamber Unit. STAN’S brow furrows in wonder.
A noise startles him. Panicking again, STAN flees the chamber, running down the corridor opposite the one he came in.
INT. LEXX, TUNNEL – NIGHT
STAN ducks down the tunnel, glancing behind him, fearing pursuit.
INT. LEXX – CRYO CHAMBER – NIGHT
KAI, looking ever more like a walking corpse steps carefully into the room. His features are puffy and his colour is becoming a rotting green, around his eyes his flesh is darker.
With his relentless stride, he moves through the room, passing in front of the Cryo-Chamber Unit containing a dark tall shape, indistinct behind the glass. A few steps past it, he stops and turns. His calm gaze sweep the chamber, coming to rest on the Cryo-Chamber Unit. KAI approaches it and stares briefly at the pristine image of himself within.
Then, taking two deliberate steps away, KAI fires his brace at the Cryo-Chamber Unit. To the sound of shattering glass and hissing gases, he fires the brace again and again and again, his dead decaying face relaxed and calm.
INT. LEXX, CHAMBER – NIGHT
Deep in the bowels of the ship, STAN enters the chamber, glancing over his shoulder for pursuit. STAN turns around and comes face to face with STANLEY TWEEDLE. STAN stops, frozen with shock. This other STANLEY TWEEDLE is identical to him in every respect, and does not even show any surprise whatsoever. If anything, this other STANLEY TWEEDLE looks a little impatient.
Seen any of the others?
STAN (1) stares at his double and looks momentarily confused. He hesitates, then catches himself and speaks.
Uhm KAI is back there. He’s rotting and
he wants to kill me.
STAN (2) coughs politely.
I mean us. He wants to kill us.
STAN (2) nods, and looks grim.
Right. We’ll have to come up with
a way to deal with him. I got XEV, but
she got one of us first.
STAN (1) is clearly at sea, and is lucky that STAN (2)’S mind is clearly elsewhere.
Oh. That’s too bad.
STAN (2) shrugs, clearly bringing himself back to the conversation.
Yeah well, we’d better get busy if we
don’t all want to end up like that. Lets
go join the others.
STAN (2) turns to lead the way. STAN (1) hesitates, glances over his shoulder, and follows amazement written on his face.
INT. LEXX, CRYO CHAMBER – NIGHT
The ZOMBIE KAI turns and strolls relentlessly away from the wreckage strewn cryogenic chamber. His appearance has deteriorated further, he now looks clearly like a decomposing, bloated version of KAI. The front of the Cryo-Chamber Unit is a shattered ruin.
Behind him the ruined body of the frozen KAI lies scattered across the room. As the ZOMBIE KAI steps out of the chamber, the severed head of the frozen KAI opens his eyes, staring unnervingly at the viewer.
INT. LEXX, BRIDGE – NIGHT
All is quiet on the LEXX darkened bridge. 790’S robot head sits on the control pedestal, awake as always, but hardly on watch. Instead, he is mumbling wistfully to himself.
Somewhere, oh somewhere out there is a
planet full of well endowed robot bodies
in need of a good head. Or at least a
functioning drone arm unit. Or any kind
of multi-speed self lubricating vibrating
and massage unit……
790’S reverie is interrupted when the Bridge is suddenly blazing and awash with light and life. XEV (1) breezes in and plants a cheerful kiss on top of 790’S carapace.
Hello Robot head!
Darling XEV! Happy day! I didn’t expect
you back so soon.
As XEV (1) flirts and smiles at 790 another, XEV (2), strides confidently onto the bridge, glancing at them and looking up at the viewing monitor.
Hello Robot. Everything under control?
AAAAIIIII! Everything is perfect now that
you’re here Love Goddess. But how come
there are two of you? Am I experiencing a
malfunction? Because if it is, it’s a
malfunction of the optimum kind!
Two more, XEV (3) and XEV (4) stride onto the bridge together. 790’s eyes spin into rapidly scrolling hearts.
Perhaps you’re just seeing double, 790.
Quadruple perfection! I’ve died and gone
to silicon paradise. How is this
embarrassment of riches possible? Not
that I have any intention of complaining,
but this situation does seem to represent
a space time paradox. But let me just say,
you can paradox my circuits any time!
XEV (2) picks up the robot head, taking it away from XEV (1) and puts it on the floor, squatting wantonly before it. 790’s eyes briefly flashed upwards to her face, and then rivet themselves at a somewhat lower point. More XEVS, XEV (5) and XEV (6) appear. 790 plays flickering Laser lights.
Diagnostics reveal that each of you are
truly the sole and incomparable XEV, and
not some third rate imitation of
perfection. My happiness circuits
overload! An infinity of XEVS! I’m in
robot heaven! But XEVS darling, how is
XEV (4), grinning broadly, goes over to XEV (2) and 790 and leans over them, emphasizing her perfect breasts, which cause 790’S eyes to flicker back and forth between the two XEV’S.
That doesn’t really matter does it?
Isn’t it enough that there’s so many of
me to love you forever and ever?
790’S eves turn to hearts, which spin rapidly, and explode into fireworks patterns. The XEVS grin and giggle with delight.
LOVE! Oh my darlings, how long I’ve
waited for even one of you to say that
divine word! Since you put it that way….
And there’ll be more and more of us!
Yes. Until we fill the universe.
XEV (1) steps into the control pedestal, clearly trying it on, leaning back, grasping the handholds sensuously, grinning and almost hissing with sheer pleasure
Until we are the universe… Until we
have eliminated and replaced every other
life form in existence…..
Except for our sweet little bucket of
love, of course.
XEV (3) under the viewscreen wipes something off her boot, and speaks, all but unnoticed by the others.
Has anyone else noticed that we’ve got
these little globs all over the ship?
But how is this possible? I’m not saying
it isn’t perfectly wonderful. A universe
of XEVS is infinitely superior to a
universe of dull Mantrid drones, and
infinitely superior to a universe filled
with baggy, overweight,dreary, polyester
wearing non-XEV life forms. But…..
XEV (2) glances around at her sisters, and then whispers conspiratorially to 790, clearly bringing him in on the plot…..
Of course, the first thing we have to do is kill Stan…..
790’S eyes go immediately into fireworks of ecstasy, causing all the XEVS to glance at each other, and grin even more widely, exchanging thumbs up.
I’m your Robot!!!
XEV(3) giggles and bends very low to kiss 790 on his carapace.
INT. LEXX, STAN’S BEDCHAMBER – NIGHT
STAN is in his bedchambers now, with four other STANLEY TWEEDLES. All are exact duplicates of him. They are standing around the room, some leaning against the walls, others pacing. One is sitting on the bed, another is sitting on a toadstool. They don’t look happy. They are arguing. In the scene, the STANS are numbered according to the order that they speak in, they are all identical in every respect, except for one. One of the STANS, the one who is pacing, stops and looks at the others.
Do we have to kill all the XEVS? Couldn’t
we save, you know, one or two? Maybe
she’d come around.
(sitting on a toadstool and looking up)
Oh right, and you know what would happen
if one of them started mixing with one
of us? Some weird molecular implosion
synthesis thingy…. I don’t think so.
Well how about the original? That’s safe,
no weird molecular implosions.
No, we’d just have more imitations of her
developing. That would just start the
problem all over again. Listen guys,
I don’t like it any better than the rest
of us, but they’ve all got to go. Even
the original, even our original has to be killed.
Look guys, we’ve been over it and over
Let’s just move on. How many KAI’s are
there? Any guesses?
STAN (1) pauses to scuff and wipe the bottom of his shoe.
So far, just the one, but we can’t
count on that. There could be more.
He’s dead after all. Maybe he won’t be
copied. Maybe we’ll only have to worry
about the original.
Well even one KAI is just too many.
Maybe we could blow him out an airlock?
That won’t stop KAI. Nothing stops KAI.
Meanwhile, STAN (5) who’s been leaning in the background staring silently at the others, steps forward.
Hey fellas, I think we may have bigger
problems than that. Has anyone done a
Sure. There’s five of us.
There are just five of us.
Riiight: Five of us, but one of the XEVS
got one of us. So that should make four.
But we’re still five…… Oh oh!
The STAN’S, realizing where this is heading, begin to draw away from each other, staring suspiciously at each others faces. STAN (5)’S voice rings out in a kind of Hercule Poirot drawing room declaration:
That’s right, one of us has to be the
real STANLEY TWEEDLE!
INT. LEXX, LARGE CHAMBER AMONG A FOREST OF GANGLION – NIGHT
The ZOMBIE KAI faces another fresher KAI, the two of them standing off against each other like two gunfighters at high noon in the old west. They examine each other with icy detachment, looking for signs of weakness, and finding none.
The ZOMBIE KAI has deteriorated still further. Whole pieces of flesh have fallen away, including his lips, exposing his teeth. His eyes are two dark sunken pits, in the rotting pallor of his face. The other KAI looks worse for wear, but no comparison to the ZOMBIE.
Who are you?
KAI (2) (Z0MBIE)
I am KAI.
I am KAI.
KAI (2) (ZOMBIE)
There can only be one.
KAI nods soberly.
Shall we begin.
The ZOMBIE nods assent. Like two gunfighters in the old west, both KAI’S go for their braces. The ZOMBIE KAI is marginally faster, his brace tears KAI’S free arm off.
KAI glances down disinterestedly and fires his own brace through the ZOMBIE’S body, knocking him down.
As KAI patiently reattaches his severed arm, the ZOMBIE stands up and fires again.
KAI is knocked back several feet, pinned to the wall, he glances indifferently at the brace piercing his chest. He raises his arm and takes precise aim…..
Violent shadows play on the walls, and the air is filled with the sound of flying braces, as the two KAIS wordlessly tear each other to shreds.
INT. LEXX, STAN’S BEDCHAMBER – NIGHT
The STANS are pretty much where they were. But the level of paranoia has risen. Each is standing or sitting a little further from the others than they were. They glance nervously at each other and their movements are careful. Only one of the STANS is pacing, his demeanor close to panic.
All right, all right. Let’s assume that
the real Stan is among us. How do we
figure out which of us it is.
We could ask?
Oh right, are we that stupid? He knows
the minute we know which of us he is,
we’ll kill him.
(throwing up hands in aggravation)
Oh just great. Well if he didn’t know,
you just told him.
We could promise not to.
Right, would I take the chance on my word
alone? I don’t think so.
Hey….. I’ve got an idea. Everyone take
off your clothes!
INT. LEXX, CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The battle of the KAIS continues through the ship. Each slicing the other to pieces, each calmly reassembling themselves as they battle and go on attacking.
KAI (1) is retreating steadily before the KAI (2) ZOMBIE’s relentless advance, his own form pale features visibly beginning to decay. Although KAI (1) remains calm, he is clearly in bad shape. The ZOMBIE’s deterioration has stabilized to a desiccated night of the living dead look.
The brace snaps out, KAI (1) loses a hand. KAI (1) fires back, the ZOMBIE twists, evading the shot. The ZOMBIE’s brace whirrs and KAI’Ss leg is sliced away. KAI (1) retaliates with the brace, but the shot is wild, coming nowhere near the ZOMBIE.
The ZOMBIE calmly aims and fires, catching KAI (1) in the shoulder and spinning him around, face down. As KAI (1) struggles to his feet, the ZOMBIE fires into KAI’s back, again and again. KAI’s face is as relaxed and impassive as the ZOMBIE’S is, visible over his shoulder. But KAI’S body convulses with each blow.
The ZOMBIE takes two steps forward and fires the brace once more. KAI’S head goes rolling down the corridor, coming to rest against a booted foot.
The severed head of KAI (1) looks up unblinking into another intact KAI (3). This KAI (3) is the freshest and most precise, clearly the original. For a second, the two stare at each other, then the original KAI (3) slowly extends his arm and obliterates the KAI (1) HEAD.
The ZOMBIE steps forward. KAI (3) regards him, calmly and with interest.
You are Clone spores. We must have
passed through a cloud.
The ZOMBIE nods affirmative. When he speaks, his voice is an almost unrecognizable rasp.
KAI (2) ZOMBIE
That would appear to be the case.
The ZOMBIE touches his decaying flesh.
KAI (2) ZOMBIE (Cont.)
We seem unable to fully simulate proto-
blood, however. The longer this shape
continues, the more it deteriorates.
(glancing at the vanquished KAI(1))
Protoblood is difficult to simulate. This
ship is infested then. I had understood
that clones would replicate a single
specimen and then eliminate him to take
his place. How is it that there are two
KAI (2) ZOMBIE
There were insufficient numbers of
intelligent beings on this ship. Multiple
duplications will have taken place.
How many are there?
The ZOMBIE glances significantly at the remains of KAI (1).
KAI (2) ZOMBIE
There is one fewer.
KAI (3) nods.
Shall we begin?
Behind KAI (3), unseen by him, yet another, KAI (4), steps into the room.
INT. LEXX, GALLEY – NIGHT
XEV looking restless, but not especially concerned steps into the galley. The food dispenser is dripping steadily, and there is a small puddle on the ‘table’ The place is quiet and empty.
XEV proceeds to grab a Divine Predecessor Mask and sits on a toadstool. As she does so, her foot brushes a Divine Predecessor’s face plate, still smeared with the Lexx’s syrup. She picks it up and stares at it, it is broken in half.
Concerned now, she looks around the room. Examining the “table”, she finds mixed in with the puddle of dripping syrup is another colour. Red. Her face still and careful she touches it to, putting it to her lips. Blood. She reaches up to feel the spigots, and finds a makeshift knife. XEV’S expression grows more concerned..
(talking to herself)
Oh STANLEY. Something is very wrong.
No answer. She turns around and around, her eyes sweeping the room. There, in one corner, almost hidden behind a stool is an object. She reaches for it….. A bloody makeshift club.
INT. LEXX, STAN’S BEDCHAMBER – NIGHT
The TWEEDLES are slowly putting on their clothes. They are all facing away from each other, clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable, trying to avoid showing it by fiddling with their buttons, brushing their hair, adjusting their hats.
Well that has to be one of the most
humiliating experiences of my life.
I can’t believe it. Nothings different.
We’ve got all the scars, all the moles.
Every single detail.
Amen brother. It’s bad enough exposing
my shortcomings to myself in front of a
mirror. This was just awful.
Maybe some sort of molecular scan?
No way. We’d need 790 for that. Anyone
here want to trust the bucket?
STAN(3) bends over to tie his shoelaces. His expression is resentful and bitter.
Any more bright ideas?
STAN (3)’S eyes bulge for a second and he keels over as a thighbone clubs him in the back of the head. STAN (5) looks very satisfied, and grins evilly.
Well now that you mention it. Yes I do.
INT. LEXX, BATHROOM – NIGHT
Xev, holding a bloodied makeshift club, cautiously pokes her head into the bathroom. There is no one in there, the chamber is empty. She bends to examine a small blood smear just inside the entrance, rubbing her finger in it, and then examining it on her fingertip. It is still fresh.
She steps fully into the bedroom. There is a lot of blood smeared around. A lot more than the smears she’s found and tracked in the corridors. They seem to lead to one of the toilet units. She peers in. There is something caught in the muscles. The toilet rumbles and its tongue flickers irritably, trying to dislodge the object, but it is wedged tight.
With trembling fingers she reaches into the toilet and pulls. With a couple of hard tugs a shred of red cloth comes out in her hand. There is a stylized number 4 on it. Stan’s hat.
Behind her, someone steps into the room.
Oh STAN. What happened to you?
INT. LEXX, STAN’S BEDCHAMBER – NIGHT
A STAN struts around the room, preparing his grand speech. He’s holding a burner, with a low flame on, and a fragment of a predecessor mask. A small knife or sharpened object is in his belt, or within easy reach. The remaining four STANS are tied in various positions to the Moth ruins that serves as STAN’S bed, watching him with obvious displeasure and no small degree of annoyance.
Ok. Thinking logically…
(emphasizing and drawing out the word)
that’s LOGICALLY, we start with what we
know for certain. Now, the only thing I
can be completely sure of it that I’m not
the real STAN.
We’ve only got your word for that.
STAN (1) frowns, upset. This is supposed to be his big moment, but the others are not cooperating, and he wants some respect.
Look, if I was the real STAN, the rest
of you guys would be in big trouble.
Biiiig trouble, if you aren’t already.
And since the rest of you are tied up,
I expect some respect. Or you could be
in big trouble anyway. Now, can I continue?
The response is a glowering silence from the others. STAN (1) takes that as an assent and clears his throat before continuing somewhat more smoothly.
Now I know that I’m not the original.
And I know that most of you aren’t the
original, because there’s only one of him.
Do you have a point? Or do you just enjoy
tying people up?
Well, you know, it’s actually kind of…..
Guys! Guys! Guys! A little attention
here? Look, we know that although we’re
identical to him physically, we’re a
different kind of life than STAN, more
volatile, so our blood should react differently.
STAN (1) is heating up a little can with a home made burner.
I figure our blood will react to fire.
STAN’S won’t. Therefore…….
STAN (1) turns away from the others cuts his finger and bleeds into the mask fragment. He applies the fire. There is a subdued hissing. Absolutely nothing happens. STAN (1) looks embarrassed. He knows suddenly, that it is just not going to work. His great plan is a failure. He screws up his courage, swallows, and puts on a confident expression, turning back to the others.
Okay… So this is how our blood works
… Now lets try the rest of you….
What a completely stupid idea!
At that moment, 790’S voice booms suddenly and very loudly over the ship. The effect is so shocking, the tied STANS yell and kick. STAN (1) jumps and covers his ears, suddenly dropping the burner, which lands inside the moth wreck and catches fire, further panicking the STANS who are tied to it. Panic stricken, he douses the fire quickly. Meanwhile, 790’S voice is deafening.
ATTENTION FESTERING BAG OF PUS KNOWN
AS STANLEY TWEEDLE. I AM USING THE
LEXX’S INTERCOM TO BRING YOU AN
IMPORTANT MESSAGE…. AHEM……
(reciting a poem)
XEVS TO THE LEFT, XEVS TO THE RIGHT,
AN ARMY OF XEVS HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT
SO STANLEY TWEEDLE, RUN OR HIDE OR CRY
THE XEVS DECREE YOU MUST DIE DIE DIE
The broadcast stops as abruptly as it begun. There is a long moment of silence as the STANS silently contemplate 790’s message.
STAN (5) begins to speak, calmly at first but building with increasing intensity to an angry scream.
Well, I may not know which of us is STAN,
but I do know for sure that I’m tied hand
and foot to the real STAN, while homicidal
KAIS and XEVS are running loose all over
this ship. So if it’s not too much trouble,
when you have time, let us out of these
(not much more calmly)
Perhaps we should stop worrying about which
of us is STAN. Postpone it say, before the
XEVS take over the ship and kill the rest of us.
INT. LEXX, BATHROOM – NIGHT
XEV stands, staring upwards, clutching STAN’S hat and listening to 790’S voice broadcast again.
OH PARADISE OF ENDLESS XEV’S,
OH WHAT DIVINE LUCK
FIRST WE’LL CLEANSE THE LEXX
AND AFTER THAT WE’LL….
The sound dies abruptly. A noise startles her. XEV spins around, to see herself? Her lips pursed, eyes widening in shock. She grips her club.
What are you? satellite worms?
Another, XEV (3) comes into the room, to stand beside the XEV (2). They smirk at her. They are both armed with makeshift weapons. They begin to circle around, sidling towards XEV (1) from both sides.
We are you. We are your perfect twins in
every respect. Come play with us?
(speaking slowly and carefully)
I think, you should play with yourselves.
XEV (1) screeches like a Cluster Lizard, and attacks swinging her club. The other XEVS startled, screech back at her, retreating against the wall. XEV (1) bolts past them out of the room fleeing. Her attack was a feint. The other XEVS stare at each other briefly, and then give chase.
INT. LEXX, JUNK CHAMBER – NIGHT
The chamber is a small refuse room, cluttered with odds and ends. One can see shredded remains of His Shadows costume. One of the STANS briefly picks up Captain Moss’s space helmet. There are other recognizable mementos from their past journeys, including Wists axe. One of the STANS is quite determinedly fashioning a pretty sad looking spear. They are obviously looking for weapons, or things that they can make into weapons.
All right, how about this….
(looking up from working on a spear)
(sarcastic) Does it involve bleeding?
(holding the Capt. Moss helmet)
I thought we weren’t going to do this
any more. Until we solved other problems.
(clearly not seeing the flaw)
Suppose we ask each other something that
only the original STANLEY could know?
Then we’d have him.
But we all know everything that original
Well then how about something that the
original STANLEY couldn’t?
STAN (3) tosses the Captain Moss astronaut helmet to STAN (1) very forcefully.
STAN(1) catches the helmet and fumbles it, having to stumble after it for a step.
I don’t know. Help me out guys, we’re
all in this together.
Like that we’re clone spores, we imitate
other life forms and take their place,
before exploding into new spore colonies.
(throws the helmet down angrily)
Thanks a lot. You’ve ruined it for us.
Think dummy! Stan read that someplace.
We started off as nonsentient spores,
everything we know about ourselves we
got from him.
(looking up from tinkering with an inoperative BlakPac)
Hey wait a second. We’re not intelligent?
Well I know you aren’t. We have sentience
because we imitated an intelligent being.
I don’t know that I’d call Stan an intelligent being.
(irritably) Are you sure you didn’t clone a bit of
790 by mistake?
Well that’s useless.
I wonder where the XEV’S are? Makes me
nervous, all those women, off plotting
who knows what.
Well, why don’t we just ask? Hey LEXX?
The STANS all stop dead, turning to stare at STAN (5) who’d spoken.
INT. LEXX, SHOWER ROOM – NIGHT
XEV (1) bursts into the shower room, gasping for breath. She crosses the room with quick strides and presses back up against the far wall, eyes searching for an escape route. XEV (2) and XEV (3) slide into the room, one stationing herself at the door. They still have their crude weapons.
It’s nothing personal.
Relax. It won’t hurt a bit. Just close
your eyes and think of something pleasant.
XEV (2) stays at the doorway, as XEV (3) begins to circle towards XEV (1), who backs up further against the wall. XEV (3) glances at the shower head, turns towards XEV (1), and then hesitates, glancing again at the shower head.
Maybe afterwards, we can take a shower.
You know, wipe the blood off. It’s so wet.
Don’t come any closer.
XEV (3) keeps glancing at the shower head. Her progress towards XEV (1) has slowed considerably. XEV (1) notices.
I love showers. I love getting sooo wet.
With my love slave body, showers are all
that makes life on this ship… bearable.
XEV (3) is now staring frankly at it. She turns and steps away from the wall towards the shower head, her club dangling loosely in her grip.
Just imagine all that water running over
your naked body. Spilling across your
breasts. Sliding in wet pulses down your
thighs, dripping all over you…..
Don’t listen! We’ll kill her first and
then take a shower.
XEV (3) isn’t paying attention. She continues to stare at the shower head.
Sometimes, I take five or six showers a day.
Are you listening? We still have to find
and kill the rest of the STANS and take
over the ship. We’ve got a lot of work
XEV (2) leaves the doorway to step forward and shove XEV (3) doesn’t react. Then the shower unit catches her eye. XEV (3) goes still. XEV (1) slides along the wall to the shower’s control nipple.
Sometimes, I spend all day in the
shower, touching my body all over.
XEV (2) and XEV (3) are captivated. XEV (1) reaches over to squeeze the swollen mound of the control. Water bursts from the shower head. XEV (2) and XEV (3) ooh orgasmically.
XEV (2) drops her club, forgetting about it completely. Slowly, reverently, they reach up to touch it. Behind them, entirely unnoticed, XEV (1) sneaks out of the room.
INT. LEXX, CORRIDORS – NIGHT
In another part of the ship KAI wars with ZOMBIE versions of himself. His face blank and impassive as he exchanges death blows with unkillable opponents who are his equal in speed and skill. KAI is retreating slowly, exchanging fire with the ZOMBIES.
A strike from one of the ZOMBIES braces tears off his head. KAI’S body retrieves it, and using the head to aim his brace strikes, withdraws through a valve in the corridor. As the ZOMBIES follow, KAI uses his brace to strike, not at the ZOMBIES but at a coloured node, a nerve juncture, at the wall of the LEXX just above the ZOMBIES.
I am sorry LEXX.
The valve closes, crushing the ZOMBIES within it. KAI takes the opportunity to reattach his head.
OW! THAT SMARTS
KAI turns around. The ZOMBIES, now much worse for wear, are trying to cut their way through the valve. KAI checks his brace, and begins slicing up the trapped ZOMBIES..
INT. LEXX, MOTH HANGAR – NIGHT
A ZOMBIE KAI walks past. XEV stares from behind him. He does not see her. When he is out of sight, XEV creeps warily among the Moths. Carefully, she climbed into a moth. Within its cockpit she reached around until she found the portable communicator: The squawker.
(hissing) 790. Are you there?
(OS on Squawker)
790! What’s happening? There are doubles
of me. Something’s happened to KAI, I
saw him coming and hid, he looked like
one of those flesh eating dead
Predecessors from Rouma.
(OS on Squawker)
The ship is being overrun by duplicates
of everyone except me. Of course, this
means too much STANLEY TWEEDLE, but on
the positive side, there’s a practical
infinity of perfection, an endless parade of XEVS!
Perfection? Two of my duplicates tried
to kill me. And they may have killed STAN.
(OS on Sqawker/shocked)
A shadow passes over her. She looks up into the face of a rotting KAI staring into her Moth’s eye port.
INT. LEXX, BRIDGE – NIGHT
790 is arguing heatedly with the assembled XEVS, who are beginning to exhibit varying degrees of irritation.
No, No, No! You don’t understand. XEV
must not kill XEV. That’s suicide! It’s
worse than suicide, it’s Deicide!!!
Oh 790. It’s only a little XEV. You’ll
hardly miss one with all of us to take
care of you.
No, No No! Divine XEVS, as much as I
worship each and every atom of you all,
I cannot condone this. Can’t I make you
understand the wrongness of it all. XEV
must not kill XEV, even once, that is
the law. Are you not XEVS?
Two of the XEVS glance at each other.
The bucket has become worthless to us.
We should smash it.
XEV (1) picks up 790’S robot head and stares into its eye screens.
Now, now. I’m sure it won’t come to that.
You still love us don’t you, 790?
Of course, my multiplicity of Goddesses.
You just need to get over this insane
desire to eliminate one of your own.
And you still want us to overrun this
Universe, don’t you?
The very concept of paradise itself is
redefined by the thought!
And you don’t mind having STAN killed?
Having all the STANLEY’S killed?
(pausing to consider)
As horrible a death as you want for them.
Bring him on! I’ll gnaw him to death myself! If I had teeth.
That won’t be necessary, my sweet smooth
round hard robot head. Just tap into the
LEXX’S circuits and find them for us.
It will be my utter pleasure to do so, my
perfect constellation of celestial bodies!
Lets all just remember, killing STAN is
GOOD! Killing XEV is bad! I’m glad we
could have this chat.
We should leave at least one STAN alive
long enough to give us control of the
Oh Darlings, allow me to design his
XEV (1) grins at 790 and then sticks her tongue out at the other XEVS.
That’s my appliance.
XEV (1) kisses 790 on his mouthscreen.
Perhaps we can attach him to moving
parts. Vibrating parts.
INT. LEXX, MOTH HANGAR – NIGHT
XEV screams and throws the moth into gear. It skitters across the floor. The undead KAI hold on but his aim is thrown off. The brace fires through the Moth’s eyeport into the living flesh.
The Moth briefly takes off, bouncing along the top of the hanger. The undead KAI struggles to hold on, but is torn away. The Moth rolls over and crashes into the floor.
The Moth bounces along the floor before coming to rest. XEV, gasping, struggles from the still weakly moving Moth. As she allows herself to fall from the Moth’s smashed port, KAI’S brace slices over her head.
INT. LEXX, JUNK CHAMBER – NIGHT
A STAN is screaming as he is being held down by three others, one at his legs, and two at his arms. The final STAN is standing some distance away, humming and smiling as he sharpens Wist’s axe.
It’s not me! It’s not me!
STAN (2) sights along the curve of the axe, and tests its sharpness with the tip of his finger.
The Lexx answers to you.
Well, that doesn’t mean I’m the real
STAN. Maybe the LEXX responds to all of us.
Well someone try it, for mercy’s sake.
Just give it a try.
Oh all right…… LEXX?
STAN (2) who’s been sharpening his axe freezes, his contented smile vanishing. They all stare at each other. With palpable disappointment, the others release STAN (1).
Oh that’s just great, I really thought
we had him. But nooooo… Hey LEXX?
What a relief. For a few seconds there,
STANLEY TWEEDLE’S whole life passed in
front of my eyes.
(addressing STAN (1))
How was it?.
Uhm, LEXX…. You wouldn’t be able to
tell us which one of us is the real STAN, would you?
OF COURSE I CAN, STANLEY.
They all stare upwards.
Well tell us……
YOU ARE STANLEY.
STAN (3) looks stricken. Suddenly, he’s in the center as they all turn, lifting weapons.
INT. LEXX, MOTH HANGER – NIGHT
The ZOMBIE KAI stalks past. His deterioration is not as evident as some of the others, but he is clearly degenerating, one side of his face is almost gone, giving his voice a distorted bubbling quality. XEV hides behind a moth, sitting on its leg, back pressed against its structure.
Come out XEV. You cannot escape.
XEV carefully opens the Moths port and reaches for the controls. KAI pauses and turns, advancing on the moth.
I promise a quick and painless death.
ZOMBIE KAI turns and fires the brace in her direction. The brace buries itself in the wall. Suddenly, at that moment the Moth that XEV has activated smashes headfirst into the KAI, carrying him on its nose, smashing into the wall, and stalling. Everything goes quiet for a few seconds.
XEV cautiously advances towards the moth. She sees the KAI’S severed arm, hanging from its brace, which is still embedded in the wall. It flops wildly, but cannot get enough leverage to free itself. Stepping carefully past it, she goes to the moth. At the point where its nose has crashed into the wall, there’s nothing.
Suddenly ZOMBIE KAI leaps at her from above, brandishing a femur. XEV cries out as the club strikes, then she throws herself at KAI, giving her cluster lizard scream. They grapple for a few seconds, and then the ZOMBIE throws her off. XEV falls backwards, rolls and rises to a fighting crouch. The ZOMBIE wields the femur like a fencing foil, and advances.
Resistance is futile.
XEV holds her ground for a second, and then turns and races for the ZOMBIE’S severed arm. She reaches it, and grabs it, tearing the brace out of the wall. The ZOMBIE arm struggles frantically, but she holds it, trying to aim and control the brace. The ZOMBIE closes in on her.
I cannot be stopped. You will be obliterated.
Oh yeah. Well, not this time.
From a kneeling position, cradling the ZOMBIE’S struggling arm like a weapon. She fires the brace, tearing off the ZOMBIE’S head.
Yippee Ki Yay, Monster.
She fires the brace again and again.
INT. LEXX, CORRIDOR – NIGHT
STAN backs into the corridor holding up his hands and smiling in a reassuring manner. He if followed out by the rest of the STANS who are looking grim, and carrying an assortment of weapons.
Hey listen, do you guys hear something?
In the distance, there is a faint but unmistakeable metallic tinking sound. It is so faint, however, that the other STANS aren’t paying attention to it and do not notice.
STAN (1) (Cont.)
Come on guys. Lets not go down this
road again. Someone else try.
They stare at him for a second. Finally, STAN (2) sighs and points to STAN (4)
OK LEXX, is he the real STAN?
YES HE IS.
STAN (2) points to STAN (5)
YES HE IS.
YES YOU ARE THE REAL STANLEY TOO.
I see. And LEXX, you don’t see any
problem with all of us being STANLEY.
The slight chinking sound in the background grows slowly.
YOU ARE ALL STANLEY OCCUPYING DIFFERENT
SPACES AT THE SAME TIME. USUALLY
STANLEY OCCUPIES DIFFERENT SPACES AT DIFFERENT TIMES.
And uh, there’s nothing odd about that, LEXX?
SHOULD THERE BE, STANLEY?
They look at each other.
I got it! What about the Key, only the
real STAN would have that. Wouldn’t he?
STAN (2) shakes his head in disgust.
Someone please explain it to him.
STAN (4) takes STAN (3) by the shoulder and leads him away.
The problem is, we don’t necessarily know
if only STAN has the Key. We might all
have one. But the big problem is that
even if only the real STAN has the Key,
how do we use it to find him?
Well, if he gives a sign of it?
Using it on the bridge?
Are we on the bridge?
No. But we know that STAN can give up
the Key involuntarily, so if we made
that happen, we’d have him.
And when does STAN give up the Key?
When he’s close to death.
So your great suggestion is that we
should kill each other off one at a
time… Oh, I’m sorry, that’s “almost
kill” each other, until we get to the
real STAN? Is that it? We kill a STAN,
no Key, we go “Oops, turned out he was
one of us,” and kill the next one.
Well it sounds really stupid when you say it like that.
You wouldn’t happen to be working for the XEVS, are you?
You know, I don’t think we should kill STANLEY…
The other STANS stare at him. He glares back defiantly.
Cut that out! If we go paranoid every
time one of us opens our mouth, we’ll
never get anywhere.
Well, he does have a point. STAN’S not
a bad guy. We don’t actually ‘need’ to
kill him. Just the XEVS and KAIS.
For that matter, why should we kill XEV
or KAI or anyone? I mean, we have the
LEXX, the most powerful weapon in the
Universe. Nothing can touch us. And
we’re intelligent, we have free will.
Its not like we have to obey instincts.
Guys, I’m a peaceloving as the next STAN,
but aren’t you forgetting the little
detail that they want to kill us?
Uhm LEXX. You wouldn’t happen to know
where the others are, would you? Like, for instance, XEV?
YES I DO, STANLEY
Well, at least we can solve some of our
other problems. (loudly)LEXX: Where’s XEV?
XEV IS ALL AROUND YOU.
There is a definite chinking sound, coming from all over, which has been present continously, slowly growing louder, and now becomes very loud. Slowly as the STANS pause in their advance, its source comes into view. A grinning XEV, clinking bits of metal in her fingers.
Oh STANLEY, STANLEEEE….
Come out to playeeeeee……
As the STANS advance on her, other grinning XEVS, at least six or seven, come out from their hiding places behind ganglions, carrying makeshift weapons, almost surrounding the STANS.
The STANS glance nervously at each other, and seem to nod in unspoken decision. Then as one, they all turn and scatter, running like hell in all directions with whooping XEVS in hot pursuit.
INT. LEXX, CORRIDOR – NIGHT
As KAI proceeds down the corridor with his relentless stride, a XEV bursts from a side tunnel.
KAI! Thank the stars!
KAI hold up his brace, warningly. XEV (1) pauses, looking nervous. Another, XEV (2) bursts from another corridor, she sees KAI and shrieks.
KAI! Help me!
Kill her KAI, I’m the real XEV!
No KAI. I’m real. Kill the imposter.
KAI stares from one to the other, hesitating.
I have no way to tell which, if either
of you, is the real XEV.
Then that means that you can’t kill
either of us, because you’d be risking
killing the real XEV?
The brace snaps out twice.
It means, that I must kill you both
to ensure that the Spore does not survive.
KAI gazes at the bodies for a second, and then, with the slightest shrug continues through the corridors. From either side, two ZOMBIE KAIS attacked.
INT. LEXX, XEV’S BEDCHAMER – NIGHT
A STAN is cornered in the chamber, holding his hands out defensively. A XEV armed with a club faces him. STAN attempts to smile.
Can we talk about this. I’m sure there’s
no need for someone to get hurt.
XEV pauses, looking around. She is alone with STAN. She stares at him appraisingly, and then licks her lips, coming to a decision. She advances on him. STAN nervously tries to sidle away, but he has little room to maneuver.
So, are you the original? Or a copy?
Will it make a difference?
XEV throws her club away, to STANS complete astonishment and starts playing with the buttons of her costume.
I don’t care any more.
Uhm XEV….. What are you doing?
It’s this body, this love slave metabolism,
it’s out of control. And I don’t want to control it any more.
Her costume falls to the floor, pooling around her boots. STAN stares at it, and then directly into XEV’S face. He is very flustered. XEV looks very hungry.
Well, uhm XEV… I guess its XEV, I really
don’t think this is a good idea. I mean,
if we’re both clones, something weird may happen…..
STAN stares longingly at XEV’S body, and then hits himself.
I mean, we’re a life form that imitates
other life forms even down to a molecular
level, on contact. So, it seems to me
that if we were to contact each other,
we might start imitating each other,
but because we’re both reflections,
there’d be no…..
I don’t care. I want it. I want it now.
XEV advances on STAN, throws her arms over his shoulders.
(nervously) It could be very very bad.
(whispering seductively) Or very very good.
She kisses STAN hungrily. STAN resists for a few seconds and then surrenders. Suddenly, their flesh begins to morph together.
They try to scream, but it is too late, their receptive cells begin to attempt to duplicate each other, and then to duplicate the duplications, ever faster, ever more recklessly as their bodies dissolve together.
INT. LEXX, A CORRIDOR – NIGHT
KAI staggers backwards, unable to recover from the initial assault. Two ZOMBIES both reaching approximately the same stage of decomposition, attack, driving KAI further and further down the corridors.
Although his face betrays no emotion, step by step, KAI is slowly losing, slowly being demolished by his ZOMBIE assassins. Undeterred, he fights on. He drives his brace into one ZOMBIE, temporarily disabling it. But then he is open to the brace of another ZOMBIE, who slices his firing arm off.
KAI reaches down to pick up and reattach the arm, but he grabs the wrong arm. It grabs him by the throat.
The ZOMBIES close in, but one stumbles and falls as KAI’S severed arm grabs its ankle. The way clear, the severed arm fires its brace at the one armed second ZOMBIE, striking it in the back.
The one armed ZOMBIE is distracted and KAI takes the opportunity to tear the ZOMBIE arm from his neck and use it as a club.
KAI’S arm fires its brace into KAI and uses that to pull itself to KAI, who retreats two or three steps to reattach it.
But just as KAI’S arm reattaches, the ZOMBIES attack again. A Braces whiplash removes his knee. KAI falls, rolling, and propping himself up preparing to make his last stand. Throughout the encounter, his expression has been one of placid contemplation.
XEV appears from behind them, firing a brace three times at the ZOMBIES attacking KAI. She obliterates ones head.
In a flurry of whizzes, KAI and XEV launch their braces over and over again from opposite directions at the ZOMBIES. They are unable to cope with the attack from two directions and soon the ZOMBIES are torn to shreds.
XEV rushes to kneel beside KAI, her eyes moist, brimming with sympathy and compassion.
Oh KAI! Are you hurt?
I do not feel pain, I am dead.
KAI selects a hand and places it on his wrist. Nothing happens. He tosses it away.
(disappointed sigh) Ahhhh
You used the brace very well.
(questioning note) XEV….
(hopefully) Yes, KAI?
You wouldn’t happen to have seen my hand?
XEV sighs again.
I’ll go look for it.
Thank you. And if I could trouble you
to keep your eyes open for an ear. I’m….
I know: you’re a little short.
KAI appears to stand, but not very tall. He is below the level of XEV’S breasts. She bends down to kiss him on the bun.
I will be able to reattach my knees myself.
INT. LEXX, XEV’S BEDCHAMBER – NIGHT
Two half dressed beings, the recombinations of XEV and STAN are laying in the bed, cuddled up against each other. STAZI (STAN/XEV) one of the new being, is male, but that is it’s only resemblance to STAN. Tall, redhaired, with lean, rangy muscles, it is much more attractive, and much more confident. STAN’S security guard uniform remains, sort of, but now with elaborate folds and mottles resembling a cluster lizard’s skin. XENIA (XEV/STAN) still has XEV’S curves, but is now blonde with a bright red outfit which is considerably more revealing.
Well, this is a fine mess. Now we’re
neither one nor the other. The XEV or
the STAN clones will kill us on sight.
Not to mention the KAIS, or the originals.
I didn’t hear you complaining at the time.
(lapsing into a contented grin)
STAZI takes a moment to examine himself, checking his trousers and taking great satisfaction in what he finds there.
Hmmm. We seem to have stabilized. You
want do it again?
And again and again and again….
So are you. I guess we both got a little
bit of that Love Slave libido.
We need to get out of here.
What’s the rush?
(sighing, clearly she’s obtained
the brains from this exchange)
All right, why don’t you make a list of
everyone and everything on this ship that
doesn’t want to kill us.
STAZI wrinkles his brow, lips moving slightly as he thinks for a moment. XENIA watches him intently, as his expression changes from puzzlement to concern.
We need to get out of here! Let’s steal a moth!
INT. LEXX, GANGLION CHAMBER – NIGHT
Three XEV CLONES are killing a STAN.
(shouting) Give us the Key! Give it to us now!
I told you, I’m not the one. I’m……
KAI and XEV leap in cutting down the XEV CLONES from behind without warning.
I hope that’s the last of them. I’m
getting sick and tired of killing myself.
KAI steps forward to examine STAN.
This clone has been extinguished.
What if he was the real one? What if the
real STAN has already been killed?
It was not the real STAN. The real
STAN will be in the safest place available to him.
Hiding in the middle of the false STANLEYS.
XEV pauses to absorb the logic behind that statement. Another KAI steps out of an adjoining corridor, and is pureed in a whir of braces. XEV stares down at the thoroughly shredded remnants of the false KAI.
We make a good team.
KAI glances at XEV who smiles coquettishly. As her brace returns, she brings it up to her lips and blows. Smiling, XEV extends her arm to admire the brace..
I can see why you like this toy.
The dead do not like or dislike toys.
I think I’ll keep it.
It looks good on you.
XEV glances at KAI uncertainly, checking for a smile. He is absolutely deadpan. She allows herself the faintest trace of a grin.
I’m glad that you aren’t threatened by a
girl with a…. big weapon.
Mine is the same size.
Most men would be reluctant to admit
something like that.
I am not like other men. Size does not
matter. The only thing that matters is
how it is used.
(sighing, a subtle longing in her expression)
I just wish you would practice with it a little more…
XEV changes subject by pulling out her squawker.
790, what’s the status of the doubles?
(OC on the Squawker)
The Horror, oh the Horror, my buttercup
of electrical delight. You are the last
XEV left in existence. None of the others
are registering life signs anywhere on
the LEXX. Oh the tragic loss to the
universe. A race of perfection now
What about the others?
(OC on the Squawker)
The only surviving KAI reading is with
you. There are two anomalous readings
from the Moth chamber. And, to prove that
this universe is a living hell without a
trace of justice, a small cluster of
STANLEY TWEEDLES also survives.
The STANLEYS will not be an immediate
threat. I should go and ensure that none
of my doubles reconstruct themselves.
I will check the moth hangar, and then
I will pick up 790. I will call you if I have trouble.
KAI nods to XEV. Then KAI addresses the squawker.
Will you lead us to the STANLEYS?
(OC on Squawker)
Only if you promise to obliterate them
from this existence!
INT. LEXX, MOTH CHAMBER – NIGHT
STAZI and XENIA prepare to climb into a moth. XEV steps out, covering them with her pirated brace. They freeze and then put up their hands.
Get away from that.
STAZI and XENIA step away from the moth, their hands up. XEV can see that they are not clones of her or STAN, but the resemblances cannot be ignored. She looks uncertain.
Who or what are you? Are you clones?
Why don’t you look like the others?
We were a Stan and a Xev.
Erm yeah, when we come into contact, we
merge, sharing biological information.
It sort of mixed up our phenotypes.
Phenotypes? What are you talking about?
It’s called szysgy. One celled organisms,
they reproduce without sex, by splitting
in two. But in order to keep their DNA
fresh, they merge their bodies and
exchange genetic information directly, so
that when they separate, they’re two
This is why you’re different? Because
you’re combinations of me and STAN?
Well, different proportions of you and
STAN obviously. We’re not supposed to do
Our instincts are to only copy
originals and destroy other clones on sight.
Except er… We kind of got distracted.
Listen, we aren’t going to harm anyone.
There’s a habitable planet nearby. Just
let us go, and we’ll never bother you again.
Please, we just want to live together,
to share with each other. Is that so wrong?
STAZI and XENIA join hands tenderly. XEV stares at them, thinking hard. She raises the brace to fire, and then hesitates. XENIA and STAZI hold each other, clearly in love, waiting for the killing blow
All right, go. But don’t make me regret my decision.
INT. LEXX, A CHAMBER – MORNING
KAI and XEV enter the chamber, their braces pointed at the cluster of three remaining STANS. 790 is cradled in XEV’S other arm. One of the STANS greets them calmly. The other two are about to panic.
There they are! Right were I told you,
now kill them KAI!
I take it that the real Stan is among you?
Oh hi, KAI. How’d you know?
Process of elimination. You are the only
STANLEYS remaining on the LEXX. The real
STANLEY must be hiding among you.
Or dead! A robot can only dream….
What about the other XEVS?
All gone, save for one precious jewel.
My perfect XEVS gone. Ash to Ash,
Dust to Dust, my divine beauties
laid end to end….
Everyone senses a poem coming up. STAN (3) interrupts.
I’m not a bit surprised, being love slaves and all….
(looking around as the joke falls flat)
You know, laid end to end…. love slaves.
TWEEDLES! The only thing that makes your
tasteless existence bearable is the
knowledge that you’re going to die
horribly and in great agony in just a
So are you going to kill them all?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
We need the real STANLEY to run the ship.
How will we find out which one he is?
At that moment, XEV’S brace disintegrates. She stares at it aghast. KAI glances at it unsurprised.
Obviously, it’s cloned tissues were
contaminated with the false protoblood
deficiency. It is fortunate that it lasted this long.
Too bad, I could have gotten really,
really used to it.
I will let you borrow mine, sometime.
One of the STANS is wiping his shoe, irritated.
Damn this gloop. Have you noticed it’s
all over the place?
Yes, I believe that the gloop as you call
it are actually spore clones of 790’S
human brain tissues.
You mean all this time Waste boy has been
stepping on me? Aaaaaahhhhh….
That is our solution. You see, the
clones are only able to reproduce the
organic. They could not reproduce my
protoblood, or 790’S mechanical parts…
Or STAN’S key.
INT. LEXX, BRIDGE – MORNING
All of the usual suspects and survivors, KAI, XEV, 790 and the three surviving STAN’S have been gathered on the Bridge. One of the STAN’S steps confidently up to the control pedestal. Settling in comfortably, he extends his hand. The familiar energy display appears.
HELLO STAN, THINGS HAVE BEEN VERY
CONFUSING LATELY. COULD WE BLOW UP
SOMETHING? IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL
Oh crap! It was you all the time. I knew
it! I said so to everyone. But would they
believe me? Nooooo.
Oh come on. You didn’t have a clue.
Shall I kill them now, Stan?
Uhm can we talk about this?
Yeah, I mean, we didn’t really want to
kill you. We’d just about decided not to.
That’s not the way I recall it. I
remember someone sharpening an axe.
You guys hadn’t decided anything.
STAN (2) falls to his knees, to plead.
Come on, we’re all identical to you. We
would have wound up deciding to do it
your way and not kill anyone if we could
help it. You know that.
Killing us would be like killing yourself.
Stan stares down at them. He sighs.
No KAI. Don’t kill them. We’ll put
them down on some uninhabited world.
Thanks STAN! You’re a prince.
Yeah, yeah. Tell me another one.
STANLEY, we may have a problem.
KAI turns and looked out towards the LEXX’S viewscreen.
I have said clones can only duplicate
organic matter. But we have neglected
to consider an organic structure that
they could duplicate.
What’s that KAI?
KAI, now that we have spares, I demand
that you kill STANLEY TWEEDLE for
Yes. Somewhere out there, uncontrolled
clones of the LEXX are growing. And if
allowed to reproduce without restraint,
they may well destroy this universe as
thoroughly as the other.
EXT. SPACE – MORNING
The moth pilots away from the LEXX, which is far in the background. The moth orients towards a green world.
INT. MOTH, COCKPIT – MORNING
STAZI pilots. XENIA curls her hand in his. In the eyeport of the moth, a planets horizon comes into view. They smile.
EXT. SPACE – MORNING
The sun rises, spilling light over the massive eye structures of the LEXX. It’s parabola wave uncertainly and uncoordinated. Energy corruscates over the LEXX’S lenses but it seems clearly unable to get an energy blast together.
INT. LEXX, BRIDGE – MORNING
STAN is on the Control Pedestal, the XEV, KAI and the two surviving STAN CLONES are scattered around the floor of the Bridge, looking up at the viewscreen.
On the viewscreen, they see a LEXX CLONE half embedded in an asteroid. They watch it struggle to free itself. Pulses of energy dance across its parabola as it struggles to organize and send a blast wave.
(wonderingly) Would you look at that….
It’s fortunate, that the clones of the
LEXX couldn’t grow as quickly as our own doubles.
It is a function of the size of the LEXX.
Given enough time, this Universe would
have been full of LEXX clones, destroying
and feeding upon every world they came
across. Eventually, this Universe too
might have been brought to an end.
Yeah. Well this is the last one. LEXX,
do your thing. Blow it up.
As you command STAN.
EXT. SPACE – MORNING
The LEXX’S orbs swivel and launch a massive destruction wave. As the blast surges forward, the malformed clone struggles to escape its rocky nest. Its orbs begin to flare again as it prepares its own energy burst. Then the LEXX’S destruction wave hit it, and it explodes into flaming dust.
INT. LEXX, BRIDGE – MORNING
They are staring into the viewscreen at the expanding cloud of debris which represents the incinerated remains of the LEXX clone. STAN steps off the control pedestal, wiping his hands in satisfaction.
That was close. A few days more and
it might have been a match for us.
These clones are very much STANLEY. It’s
strange, mine were so…. distractable.
The clones, were us. But they simply did
not have the experience in being us that
we did. They were unused to dealing
constantly with our urges and desires.
XEV stares at KAI.
And your clones, KAI? Was your desire to destroy yourself?
KAI turns away, staring pointedly at the viewscreen.
I am already dead, I have no desire. My
clones were merely expressing their
inherent instinct to eliminate their
original and take its place.
Oh well, it’s over now.
KAI turns to the STAN CLONES and fires. The brace strikes twice, leaving two dead STANS sprawled on the floor.
KAI! You’ve killed them.
(shocked and outraged)
Hey! I promised they’d be okay!
Never mind that! Finish the job, kill
You promised, STANLEY.
I promised nothing. The spores are too dangerous
to be permitted existence.
But they weren’t bad!
In eighteen months they would have
exploded into spore clouds. Each spore
in the cloud becomes a dangerous clone,
imitating either its predecessor or a
new host, and hostile to all other life.
A single clone, in the past has been
enough to destroy all life on a planet.
XEV suddenly looks very uncomfortable and concerned hearing this. Fortunately, however, none of the others notice her misgivings.
In any event, as 790 says, perhaps even
one STANLEY TWEEDLE is too much for this Universe.
COMMENTARY: I’ve been saving this for upload, for the final volume of LEXX Unauthorized, Little Blue Marble. The LEXX Unauthorized series is now complete! Check it out!
This is my second LEXX script, or maybe it was my first, I can’t recall. It is one of the three LEXX story pitches that I played with. The other ones are Way Station and Graveyard. It’s also one of a handful of LEXX fictions I wrote – the remainder being Final Journey, a sentimental short story about the final days of Kai and Stan, which was translated into Russian, and the Bobs Saga, a series of hilarious vignettes about LEXX and godlike trailer trash, and their Farscape vs LEXX deathmatches.
Obviously, I was a huge LEXX fan in those days. Back around 1998/1999, as I was quitting my old job, I got wind of a LEXX convention, an ‘UnCon’ in Halifax. I had a bit of extra money then, so I decided to go with my wife. We had a great time, we met cast and crew, got to visit the sets, even saw some scenes being filmed. When I got home, I was quite inspired, so I decided to pitch Salter Street with a book proposal – something that eventually became LEXX Unauthorized.
At that time, I was an active short story writer, had a novel being shopped around, and some somewhat recent newspaper credits as a columnist and reporter. I was pretty active on LEXX bulletin boards, so I figured why not try for the show itself. So I pitched, I wrote up a couple of full spec scripts, submitted them to Salter Street, with appropriate releases, and never heard back.
Well, not quite. I remember on a trip to Halifax, Hannes Nothegger, Paul Donovan’s personal assistant mentioned them. I didn’t need to talk about them, but he mentioned that Paul had liked one of the two. To this day, I don’t know which one that was. Or if he was simply just trying to be polite.
Obviously, when I wrote them, I was writing for the style and sensibility of the first and second series. But by that time LEXX was into its third and fourth series, and the show had changed tone and content dramatically. So obviously, they didn’t fly. But it was okay, because I really enjoyed writing them.
I hope that you do too. What you’ve just read hasn’t been seen by anyone in twenty years, and I’m just happy to have it out there. I’m assuming that if you’ve read these scripts, you’ve actually watched LEXX. If you’re going into them blind, god knows what you’ll make of them.
A few comments, about the script…
The obvious inspiration is Invasion of the Body Snatchers, people being menaced by evil duplicates of themselves out to replace the originals. Sorry to say, that wasn’t in my mind at all.
The original idea that I had was a lot more mercenary. It was along the lines of “They constantly have budget issues, and don’t have a lot of money, so why not pitch a ‘ship in a bottle’ show – one that takes place entirely on ship, on existing sets, with no new, or minimal new cast. That will be super cheap and easy to do, and they like that kind of thing!”
So that was the idea – existing sets, no cast, how to make that fun? How about the LEXX crew ends up encountering duplicates of themselves, but duplicates that magnify or distort their personalities.
I’m not sure if what I wrote really turned out like that. At the time, I assumed that with CGI compositing, they could just insert multiple Stan’s and Xev’s into a shot. On reflection, I think that might have been a challenge for the Post-Production department.
And to be frank, it might have posed a challenge to the actors themselves, since they were going to have to play each scene several times, interacting each time with versions of themselves who weren’t there – that would be havoc for sight lines, timing etc., although I suppose they could have just had a grip or something stand in the right places and recite the lines to bounce off of.
And let’s face it, I wrote a bunch of heavy duty action scenes for Xev, and for the Zombie Kais, including action scenes with the Moth, and that was probably going to be a challenge as well.
So it might not have been as cheap or easy to do as I intended. C’est la Vieux. LEXX is notorious for terrific cost-savings experiments which turn out to be complicated and expensive. The Game, anyone. Unlike Paul Donovan, I had the advantage of not having a clue. 😉
Looking back, I’m very proud of it. This is a good, sparky, kinetic script, which runs the gamut from thriller, to horror, to action to comedy. Who says you can’t do them all. I think it hangs together, moves along nicely, and has some real moments. I love the whole opening sequence, as we’re shown two people who have been friends and allies the whole show, suddenly murdering each other, that’s subversion right there. You’ve got to watch to see what comes next. And then after that, one strangeness after the other – the Zombie Kai, the multiple Xev’s, Stan meeting a version of himself who seems to have a better idea of what’s going on…
There are a lot of quotes in it. That scene where Xev tries to dispose of Stan’s body down the toilet, and it turns out he’s not yet dead, that’s from Blood Simple, an early Coen Brothers movie. There’s a scene borrowed and parodied from John Carpenter’s, The Thing. There’s even a quick reference to an old Walter Hill Movie – The Warriors (‘come out to playyyeee!’). And Star Trek (shoot the other guy, Spock!). Even Island of Doctor Moreau. Stuff like that is just fun to do.
The script is Xenia Seeberg’s. I’ve always felt she was often given short shrift, and I wanted to write something that foregrounded her. Her character(s) get an immense amount of range – sex kitten, cold blooded noir murderer, a detective as she tracks down what’s happened to Stan, genuine sadness, action heroine stuff, and humour and flirting with Kai, and compassion and humanity. I even gave her a temporary brace of her own. Basically, I wanted to write a script in which she really got to do a lot, and got to show off her chops.
As for Brian Downey, well, he can do malevolence so well, so I wanted a little bit of that in there. And he has such a gift for comedy, such a way to deliver lines. So I just stuck his character in a group of duplicates and the scenes wrote themselves. The Stanleys are hilariously ineffectual, but there’s an innate decency to them that slowly overwhelms their murderousness, and there’s a hint that Stanley is cleverer than we think he is.
Jeff Hirschfield and 790, I just wrote doggerel poetry, which was what 790 is really known for, when he’s not doing exposition. There’s not a lot you can do with 790, and too much exposition would undermine the story. But I like to think I gave him some good lines. And for that matter, I think I gave Tom Gallant as LEXX more and better lines than usual.
As for McManus? I thought he seemed to like doing different things with Kai, stretching the dead man in some way. I figured he’d get a kick out of playing a decomposing zombie version of his character. That might have been a mistake – that would call for longer and longer periods in the make up chair, which he might not appreciate. But then again, past a certain point (an early point) it can be anyone under the Zombie prosthetics, so if he got bored, then he could just have Val McDow do the zombie part. Kai’s part is the smallest in the script. But that’s the challenge with Kai, on the one hand, he’s an unstoppable superman, so the minute he shows up, the problem is solved. And on the other hand, he has no motivation. He’s a tough character to write. I stuck Kai in action scenes, I had the impression that Michael likes action scenes.
So overall, I thought I had something that cast members would actually enjoy doing, which I thought might be a selling point. I don’t know though, I suspect by the time an actor gets the chance to have an opinion, the decision’s already been made. Still, I wanted them to like it, and I think I wrote to their strengths and their characters strengths.
I don’t know, maybe this is the one Donovan liked. Who knows? I wasn’t particularly surprised it didn’t go anywhere. LEXX was an incredibly closed shop, and the occasions they had new writers in fourth series, that was solely Salter Street getting its arm twisted so hard the shoulder popped out of socket – they needed to get them for the British Co-production. And honestly, as I saw the 3rd and 4th series in production and on air, it was pretty clear my scripts were obsolete.
But what the heck, I just enjoyed doing them. I don’t do a lot of scripts. It’s a format that’s even harder to get published or produced than regular short stories and novels: You practically need to live in Hollywood, or Toronto or Vancouver, you need all kinds of connections, an agent, union membership, it’s incredibly hard to break into, and if you do get lucky, everyone ends up screwing with your work. The money is good though. But no, long shot. So as I said, I don’t waste a lot of time doing scripts.
But it was fun to work within the format and do these, and I loved the show. And honestly, the best reason to do anything is because you love it.