THE WAY STATION
aka
XEVENINETY
By D.G. Valdron
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This was an unsolicited spec script written for and submitted to Salter Street films in 1999/2000. LEXX, the television series, and the characters of Lexx, 790, Stanley Tweedle, Kai and Xev are all properties, copyrights and trademarks held and owned by Salter Street Films, its corporations and corporate interests, and by its heirs and assigns including Alliance Atlantis Films and Echo Park Holdings. No ownership or interest of any sort is asserted or implied with the use of these characters. All usage is non-commercial, with no fees, licenses or charges, and no revenue arising therefrom. The work is free to the public, and constitutes fair use or fair dealing as parody, satire, review and commentary.
All elements, characters, concepts, and plot or story elements not owned by Salter Street Films, and its heirs and assigns, are copyright (c) D.G. Valdron, 2000.
FADE IN….
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
Panoramic view of an ornate space station. It looks like a zero g version of a Gothic cathedral crossed with a
suspension bridge, with towers and spires and struts, full of gaudy ornamentation. Behind it a monstrous ringed gas giant sits, gaudily banded, with several hurricanes visible on its surface
INTERIOR OF WAY STATION – NIGHT
The interior of the way station is opulent, an old, ornate, luxurious hotel. But it is an ancient luxury, covered with dust, some of the furnishings and fixtures in a state of obvious decay or disrepair. Light fixtures hang from the ceiling, some of the furniture is broken or overturned. The air is dusty. The place is dark.
NOTE: The space station is built of modular components, so all of the chambers will be identical. Only one set is required, which can be dressed differently to represent different chambers or rooms in the station, used for different purposes. This should limit costs.
The darkness is pierced by wavering flashlight beams. Three figures encased in spacesuits move warily through the chambers. They are DEBOCH, a male; SALASHI, a female; and WOND another female.
DEBOCH
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve hit the big time.
WOND
Two years of breathing canned air,
eating recycled waste products. It was all worth it.
DEBOCH
Do you think we can can get this place activated.
I’m dying for a shower.
SALASHI
After finding this place. You can spend
your life in the shower. None of us
will ever have to work again.
Lights go on, the place hums with renewed life.
DEBOCH
Thanks.
WOND looks around nervously. The station creeks, an ancient metal sound.
WOND
I didn’t do that.
DEBOCH
Come on. You said yourself, this place
hasn’t been active for generations. It
couldn’t turn itself on, could it?
SALASHI
It just did.
WOND
Listen.
A metallic clanking can be heard, approaching, coming closer and closer. The scavenging crew look at each other nervously.
INT. WAY STATION – NIGHT
The sounds of SCREAMING roll down deserted corridors.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
The mighty LEXX cruises through the void.
INT. LEXX, GALLEY – NIGHT
KAI is alone in the galley, patiently filling a Divine Predecessors mask with greenish goo. When he finishes, he picks up a sloshing bag, slings it over his shoulder, and carries it and the mask away.
As he walks away, his foot accidentally kicks 790’S head. It rolls away hollowly. We see that it has been scooped out and is now an empty shell. Vacant eye and mouth holes show the back of the robot head.
INT. LEXX, STAN_S BEDCHAMBER – NIGHT
KAI enters STAN’S bedchamber. He sets down the plate and fills a bowl beside STAN’S bed with water from the sloshing bag. The sound of the water pouring is loud in the quiet room.
STAN is in bed, but now ancient and withered, a shell of his former self. It is clear that STAN is much, much, much older. Now senile and bedridden.
KAI
I am here, Stanley.
STAN
About time dead man. Any longer, I
was going to get up and look for you myself.
KAI
That would not have been wise.
KAI kneels next to STAN’S bed. He helps STAN sit up,
moving the frail emaciated body carefully.
STAN
I was just thinking of Xev. That was
a long time ago.
KAI
Yes it was. She died a long time ago.
STAN
She died on the ship, didn’t she? She
never found a home out there. Now its my turn.
KAI
Do you want to eat now?
STAN
What_s on the menu?
KAI
Beef Wellington, with mashed potatoes
and a selection of fruit.
STAN
Same as always (coughing suddenly).
Not right away. I’m not hungry much
these days.
KAI
Later then.
STAN
(wistfully)
How she came to us… Do you remember
XEV, she had curves, but no folds……
KAI
That was Lyekka.
STAN
(pausing)
Thats right. Thats right. Stupid of
me to get that wrong.
KAI says nothing. Damping a cloth in the water bowel, he wipes a trail of spittle from STAN’S ancient cheek.
STAN
I don’t have much longer do I?
KAI stops and stares at STAN. Finally, he lies.
KAI
I do not know.
There is a short period of silence, as KAI wipes STANS face gently with the dampened cloth.
STAN
I think I’d like to go to the bridge,
after. It’s been too long.
KAI
As you wish Stanley.
STAN
You should go get 790. I miss the old bucket.
KAI
Perhaps later.
STAN
(staring at the plate of
food without interest)
Well Kai, it looks like your proto-
blood is going to outlast me.
KAI
Are you hungry?
STAN
No, just thinking.
STAN stares off into the distance. KAI waits patiently with him. Then after a moment, he reaches out to touch him. STAN does not respond. Gently, KAI closes STANS staring eyes. With a slight shimmer, the key to the LEXX transfers to KAI.
KAI
(very softly)
Goodbye Stan.
INT. LEXX, BRIDGE – NIGHT
The bridge is in sad shape, strewn with rubbish. It has an empty look, as if it has been unused for a while. The room is crowded with ganglion, which have slowly grown in over the long years on the LEXX.
KAI enters and mounts the control pedestal. He puts his hand forward, activating the display.
KAI
LEXX?
LEXX
HELLO KAI, WHERE IS STANLEY?
KAI
STAN is dead. I have come to tell you…
LEXX
ARE YOU MY NEW CAPTAIN?
KAI
No, my protoblood is almost gone.
I have come to tell you that you are free.
KAI steps off the pedestal, and within another step, falls to the floor. Dead.
LEXX
KAI? STAN? I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE
ALONE. I AM AFRAID.
KAI_S lifeless eyes stare off into the distance, he does not reply.
INT. LEXX, STAN_S BEDCHAMBER – NIGHT
STAN awakens with a cry. Crouching forward, wrapping his bedding around himself, shivering. It was all a nightmare.
He rocks back and forth.
STAN
(whispering to himself)
I don’t want to end like that. I want more.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
The mighty LEXX cruises through the night. In the distance, is the Way Station. The LEXX approaches, heading towards it. The Way Station grows larger and larger until it fills the screen.
INT. LEXX BRIDGE – NIGHT
STAN, XEV and 790 are gathered on the bridge, staring up at the LEXX’S viewscreen. The image on the screen is of the Way Station.
790
I am not reading any power systems.
The station is effectively dead.
STAN
If theres no power on, how is it
that we were able to pick up its signal.
790
The signal is simply a homing code
from an old nuclear powered beacon.
It has already gone through several
half lives and is barely perceptible.
We were luck to pick it up at all.
XEV
See. Its just floating junk. Its
probably been abandoned for thousands of years.
STAN
I still want to take a look.
790
I see no need to go down to it.
XEV
790’S right. You know what happens
whenever we do this.
STAN
I’m bored. For months now, we’ve
been doing nothing but sitting on
this ship, getting sick of each other.
Don’t you want to see something new?
XEV
The station’s dead, 790 said it himself.
Its nothing but salvage.
STAN
Salvage is good! Aren’t you sick of
eating out of Predecessor masks?
Wouldn’t it be nice to see something,
do something else for a change. Who
knows what’s out there? Tools,
equipment, furniture, clothing, who knows.
790
I see no merit to searching through
piles of antique rubble because
TWEEDLE here needs an inflatable sex
doll.
STAN
(stung)
Scoff all you want, but this place is
a great find, and I’m betting we’ll
discover something worthwhile here,
even if its nothing more than dinner utensils.
790
In all probability, the facility has
been stripped bare. There is nothing there.
XEV
790 is right STAN. It will probably
disappoint. This whole universe is
one big limp disappointment.
STAN
Look. The robot says its harmless.
Come on, are we just going to sit safe
in the LEXX for the rest of our lives? Live a little?
790
Die a little, TWEEDLE.
XEV
(thoughtfully)
You’ve been restless lately, STAN…
Knives, forks, spoons, that might be
nice. I’m tired of eating with my fingers.
790
Darling XEV. You can’t be thinking of this?
XEV
Oh all right, but we’ll take Kai with us.
STAN
Take us in, LEXX.
LEXX
As you command STAN.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
LEXX looms in the foreground, the Way Station is comparatively tiny in the background. A Moth flies over from the LEXX to the Way Station.
INT. WAY STATION – DOCKING PLATFORM
XEV, KAI and STAN step onto platform from the Moth. XEV and STAN are wearing environment suits. STAN goes to a console and examines some gauges. KAI examines a feather boa wrapped loosely around another piece of equipment. Even though the platform is merely a small vehicle hanger, it still bears traces of wealth and opulence.
STAN
I think there is still some reserve
power left in storage batteries.
STAN manipulates some levers. Immediately, there is the sound of the doors closing, muted lights come on, and the room fills with hissing. He pulls off his helmet triumphantly.
STAN
What did I tell you, STANLEY the manly
comes through again!
XEV
The air smells stale… and dead.
STAN
Give it a chance. Maybe we can get
this place to come alive.
XEV
790 said it was dead.
KAI picks up what looks like an empty wine bottle. There are other empty bottles, remnants of clothing scattered about. Evidence of a long ago orgy.
STAN
It’s solar powered, all we have to
do is bring them online, and we have
power. These places used to be like
hotels or pleasure centers. You know,
all the comforts of home. They didn’t
just fill your tank, they filled your
tank, if you know what I mean. They
even had… Erm… Companionship.
XEV
(amused)
Is that it STAN? You think you might
find a frozen sex slave here, waiting
for you to awaken her with a kiss?
790
Even a sex slave would have to be
rendered immobile before she’d let
TWEEDLE kiss her.
A long metallic creaking fill the air, interrupting the argument before it develops. Silenced, they look at each other and listen to ancient metal groan.
KAI
It is a very old station. Older than I.
INT. WAY STATION, ELSEWHERE – NIGHT
Cryogenic pods, long dormant begin to defrost with awkward jets of steam and hissing (these are much older and more primitive than the ones on the LEXX.)
INT. WAY STATION, CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT
STAN is tinkering with various consoles and controls, pressing buttons and pulling levers almost randomly, trying to get the station to come on line. KAI stands indifferent, watching them.
XEV is sitting back in a chair, feet up on one of the consoles, plainly bored out of her mind.
Again, rubbish is thrown about. Old condoms, pieces of plastic sheeting and lingerie. Pieces of fur and fabric. There is not much, but there is still the suggestion of some long forgotten party. Every now and then, there is a metallic creaking.
XEV
Bored. Bored. Bored.
790
Let me entertain you, oh luscious one.
STAN
(engrossed)
Soon XEV, soon. In just a little while,
this place is going to come alive. I’m sure I can do it.
XEV
Fine. While you_re doing that, I’m
going to take a look around.
The station creaks….
STAN
Are you sure that’s safe? We should all stick together.
XEV
You said yourself, this place is empty.
790
No sign of any activity. Besides us.
XEV
There you go. You and 790 can work on
this place, while I explore a little.
790
No! No, darling XEV. Take me with
you. I can guide you around this place.
I memorized the station schematics
while TWEEDLE was fumbling.
XEV
Very well. If we get attacked by a
space monster, I can just throw you
in its jaws and run for it.
XEV picks up 790.
790
It would be an incomparable pleasure
to pass through the digestive process
of a space monster, as long as I was
doing it for you, Divine XEV. But let
me point out that it would be much
more efficient and enjoyable to throw
STAN into its jaws.
XEV
I’ll keep that in mind if we meet
one. KAI, do you want to come?
KAI
There is no threat. I have no motivation
to go, or to come.
XEV glances quizzically at KAI for a second.
STAN
(looking up)
Make sure you take a squawker. And
call us, at the first sign of anything
suspicious, okay. We_ll come running.
790
You mean KAI will come running.
INT. WAY STATION, HALLWAYS – NIGHT
XEV and 790 wander down the hallway. It is illuminated by dim back up lighting, which leaves bright and shadowed areas. Even the bright areas are dim, though. They come to a fork. One of the doors is open. Barely glancing at the closed door, XEV and 790 go down the open hall.
Behind them, soundlessly, the door slides shut, as the one opposite slides open. Neither XEV nor 790, further down the hall, notice that the door has shut behind them.
INT. WAY STATION, MACHINE BOWELS – NIGHT
Deep inside the way station, a complex array of machines are connected and interconnected. At the center are two glowing domes and two transparent tanks filled with liquid.
MACHINE VOICE 1
Initiation requested.
MACHINE VOICE 2
Initiation begun.
MACHINE VOICE 1
Control unit not responding. Control
unit restart. Boost power.
The tank of liquid fills with light. We see inside the first tank a floating brain, hooked up to wires, the Control Unit. It seems to writhe as powerful surges of electricity arc through the tank.
BRAIN
Aaaaargh!!!!!
MACHINE VOICE 2
Warning, control unit failure imminent.
Replacement required.
INT. WAY STATION, ROOM OF MIRRORS – NIGHT
A finger presses a button, and music begins to play.
XEV has found a wardrobe room, full of racks of clothing, dressing tables and mirrors. She is delighted, laughing girlishly as she picks through wigs, feathers boas, silk and satin, leather and lace of all sorts. Some of it, she examines, with delight or confusion, some, like Lace gloves or hats, she tries on.
XEV
It looks like STANLEY had the right
idea. This place is great.
790
Much as it pains me to say this, but
given the near infinite possibilities
inherent in two universes, it becomes
statistically inevitable that sooner
or later TWEEDLE would do something
right. This seems to be it.
XEV dances to the music as she moves around the room, examining clothes, picking up objects. She moves back to the music console, presses a button. A different tempo starts up, and she dances and sways accordingly.
XEV
Do you think we could take the music
box back with us? (Laughs) Let’s take
the whole room back with us.
She tries on an old set of opera tails, admiring the cut of the jacket.
XEV
What do you think, 790?
Behind them, out of their sight, a metal hand surreptitiously steals the squawker and retreats.
790
I think you’re absolutely gorgeous,
love dumpling.
XEV smiles, clearly pleased by the praise as she sheds the jacket and looks around.
XEV
You always think I’m gorgeous.
790
In clothes or out of them, you’re
perfection to the infinite power.
XEV finds a beautiful, shimmering flowing gown or robe of fine, almost transparent white gauze. She pulls it on, admiring it in a mirror.
XEV
(musing)
I wish there was someone else to see
me in these clothes.
She pulls a rack of clothes away from a mirror. But it’s a trick mirror. It shows a short, squat, fat XEV. Her smile freezes and fades. Slowly, she covers the mirror.
XEV
Come 790. It’s time to go.
XEV picks up 790, turns to leave, and stops. The door is missing.
XEV
(unnerved)
790, which way did we come in? How do we get out?
Over the intercom comes demonic peels of laughter. A male voice, that of DEBOCH in the prologue.
DEBOCH VOICE
There is no way out.
More peels of demonic laughter.
INT. WAY STATION, CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT
STAN is still working away, apparently fruitlessly. KAI toys with a silk gown left in the control room and looks up.
KAI
XEV has been gone for a long time.
STANLEY
Yeah, now that you mention it….
(Into Squawker)
STANLEY
XEV? XEV? Are you okay?
(frustrated)
she’s not answering.
KAI
Do you want me to seek her out?
STANLEY
Uhm… She’s probably just occupied.
Found something interesting. I mean,
as far as we can tell, the place is
deserted. There’s nothing dangerous.
KAI
As you say.
STANLEY
But then again, accidents happen.
She could have fallen down a shaft
or something. Maybe you’d better see that she’s all right.
KAI
Very well.
STAN
But keep in touch, all right. And come right back.
KAI
You will be safe?
STAN
I don’t plan on moving far from this
room, no sir. If I have trouble, I’ll call.
INT. WAY STATION, CORRIDOR BULKHEAD – NIGHT
KAI steps through a bulkhead lock. It seals shut behind him. KAI stops. Glancing around for potential threats first, he then turns and examines the bulkhead lock carefully. It is sealed shut. He keys the lock control a few times but the lock doesn’t open.
He glances down at the floor, spotting something. He kneels, and finds footprints in the ancient dust. He stands again, and takes out his squawker.
KAI (INTO SQUAWKER)
STAN, XEV, I believe that we may not
be alone in here.
There is no response. The Squawker does not even crackle.
KAI
XEV?
Nothing.
KAI
STAN? (Looking around)
Still nothing. KAI glances again at the bulkhead door. He speaks once more, just in case.
KAI
I believe our unseen companions may be hostile.
He replaces the squawker in his belt. Carefully, he puts his boot in the footprint, and then the next, and begins to follow the footprints, proceeding down the hall.
INT. WAY STATION – CONTROL ROOM
STAN is working away on one of the consoles, pressing buttons. He decides to take a breather, leaning back in the chair and putting his feet up on the desk.
SALASHI VOICE
(breathy, sexy and seductive)
Hello STANLEY…
STAN jumps to his feet, shocked and wary. He reaches for the squawker.
STAN
Who are you? How do you know my name?
(Into Squawker) KAI? KAI?
SALASHI VOICE
It’s all right, STANLEY. I’m SALASHI.
I’m from the station. We’ve been in
suspension, waiting for someone to
come. Your arrival caused us to be reactivated.
STAN tries to activate the Station Communication system, grabbing the microphone.
STANLEY.
KAI! KAI! ….. ‘We?’ How many of you are there?
SALASHI VOICE
Only a few of us are left. We’ve been
waiting a long time, STANLEY. We’ve
been waiting for someone like you to come.
STAN
What do you want?
SALASHI VOICE
Pleasure. To touch, to feel, to make
love again. I need a man STAN. My body
is designed for pleasure.
STAN
What? Designed… Oh, you mean you_re
some sort of …erm sex… Uh …slave.
With an accelerated libido?
SALASHI VOICE
I live for pleasure. Don’t you want
that STAN? Hasn’t it been too long for you too?
STAN
Maybe.
SALASHI VOICE
We’re alone, STAN. All alone for a little while.
A feminine figure steps into the light, covered in flowing red silk robes, the upper part of the face is obscured by an overhanging veil. Gloved hands pull open the robe, exposing ample cleavage. Red lips pout and smile sensuously. Gloved fingers cup a breast invitingly.
SALASHI VOICE/FIGURE
It’s been so long for me STAN. So long.
All I want is a little pleasure. Is that too much?
STAN
I guess not. I mean, we all want a
little pleasure, don’t we?
SALASHI VOICE/FIGURE
Come to me STAN. Touch me STAN. Kiss me.
STAN hesitates, swallowing but looking fascinated. Then he tentatively steps forward. As he does so, he bumps against one of the computer consoles, finally activating the station Holographic Log.
An image bursts into life, it is blurry and static ridden, and keeps flashing white and stuttering, as like a scratched record.
SALASHI HOLOGRAM
…the last. We thought we’d struck it rich…
Hammering noises in the background on the hologram. The image of SALASHI looks back, fearfully. SALASHI’S voice is the same as the VOICE/FIGURE.
SALASHI HOLOGRAM
But this station isn’t a treasure
trove. It_s a trap…/…the last.
We thought we_d struck it rich.
Hammering noises in the background again. The image of SALASHI looks back. Obviously it’s a repeating loop.
SALASHI HOLOGRAM
But this station isn’t a treasure
trove. It’s a trap…/…the last. We thought…
STAN
It’s you. It’s your voice.
SALASHI VOICE/FIGURE
Come to me STAN, I need your flesh.
The figure reaches for STAN, but he pushes it away. They struggle for a second, but it cannot grip him with satin gloves. As he thrashes, its silk robes tear, revealing gleaming metal underneath. The figure is a roboticized version of SALASHI. Metal and plastic cups and molds her frame, selectively revealing warm flesh. Instead of a full robot helmet, only the upper half of her head is robotic, leaving her with human lips and mouth. She licks him. STAN breaks away.
NOTE: All the robots are semi-naked people, with metal and plastic components and limbs awkwardly bolted onto them. They started out as robots, but have been attaching human flesh parts – arms, legs, hands, butts, breasts, mouths, lips, eyes for pleasure. Each robot has a different mixture of human and mechanical parts, and are also fond of lingerie, leather, chains, feather boars, etc. They are very distinctly male or female.
STAN turns to flee, but out of the darkness, a coil loops around his neck. He screams and throws it off staggering away. The room bursts into bright light. STAN runs down a dark corridor, fleeing toward the moth.
He screams out.
STAN
KAI!!!!
INT. WAY STATION – NIGHT
XEV runs down a corridor, 790 clutched in her hands, white diaphanous robe billowing behind her.
DEBOCH VOICE
(whispering from the intercoms)
XEV… XEV… XEV… there’s nowhere to run.
XEV flees down another corridor. And then another. Doors close before her and open behind her. At the end of one hallway, she hammers at the doorlock control, but it won’t open.
DEBOCH VOICE
I’m coming for you XEV, I’m coming to
get you. There’s no escape.
XEV turns around, but there_s nothing.
XEV
Open the door 790.
790’S scanning beams play over the lock controls
790
I regret that I cannot, my darling. There
is an override shutting me out. Flee.
The creaking noises of the station seem to increase.
XEV
Can you raise KAI or STANLEY?
790
I’m broadcasting, but I’m not getting
a signal from either one of them.
They’re either inaccessible, or….
DEBOCH VOICE
No one can help you XEV. I’m coming…
Behind them, the hallway door suddenly slides open.
DEBOCH VOICE
Flee XEV… You cannot escape.
790
It’s a trap! Don’t!!!
XEV flees down the hall, into a grand ballroom. Around them, flickering holograms blur into quasi-life as she passes unnoticed among them. The include the space suited SALISHI, DEBOCH and WOND multiplied.
Lights flicker on and off at her passing. Sudden gusts of ventilation scatters light plastic and dust. And thick fog billows out of some vents.
XEV
Which way 790?
790
Left, go left.
Swivel mounted lamps wave back and forth, their beams piercing the fog seeming to search for her.
790
There! That doorway.
XEV bolts for the open doorway, but at the last moment, she trips. 790’S head rolls through into the black chasm beyond.
790
XEV!!! Don_t leave m/
As XEV scrambles forward, the door slams/slides shut in her face. She hammers at the door with her fists, shrieking.
XEV
790!!! 790!!!
All around the ballroom holographs flicker in and out of existence, and doors slam shut. DEBOCH’S laughter rings through. XEV turns around and around, searching.
XEV
(yelling angrily)
What do you want?
DEBOCH VOICE
(mocking)
Those lips, those eyes, round hips,
warm thighs, sweet wet bits and full round…
XEV
(interrupting)
You want me? Show yourself.
DEBOCH VOICE
(laughing)
I don’t want your human heart,
I just want your silkiest part.
XEV gives a cluster lizard growl. She grabs a freestanding candelabra for a pole, and walks in, among the holograms and fog, crouched for combat. The light begins to strobe. From out of the background chatter, a shape close to her speaks:
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
…..this place hasn’t been active for generations.
Recognizing the voice, XEV swings savagely, stumbling as her makeshift staff flickers through the Hologram. She stares.
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
It couldn’t turn itself on, could it?
She looks around. Next to her, another DEBOCH HOLOGRAM speaks:
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve hit the big time.
A noise behind her. She whirls, another DEBOCH Hologram.
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
I’m dying….
She pokes her finger through it.
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
…for a shower.
XEV
(shouting)
Show yourself!
From behind her, another voice.
DEBOCH ROBOT
Ladies and Gentlemen….
A blow from behind catches her as she’s turning. She’s knocked forward. The DEBOCH ROBOT, right side of his body still recogniseable from his holographic images, left side cased in metal and plastic, advances on her, clutching her breasts from behind.
DEBOCH ROBOT
We’ve definitely hit the big time. You’re quite a prize.
XEV snarls her cluster lizard growl and jams an elbow into his chestplate to break free. Then she attacks, swinging her staff. DEBOCH ROBOT falls back before her onslaught.
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
I’m dying…
XEV growls and swings.
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
…we’ve hit…
And swings. DEBOCH ROBOT, flailing, goes down.
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
I’m dying…
XEV slams her staff into the fallen android a few more times. Her face is a ferocious mask of triumph.
Abruptly, the holograms all vanish. The lights stop flickering. Everything is silent. XEV looks around, then goes to one of the doors.
She hammers at a lock control with her fist, and all of the doors spring open. She strides through one. Suddenly, she clutches her neck, an expression of shock on her face. Behind her, we see a momentary glisten of monofilament wire. XEV falls to her knees, still clutching her throat. Her head topples from her neck.
Behind her, the DEBOCH ROBOT gets to its feet and begins to claim its prize. A small box/vacuum contraption comes out of nowhere, scoops up XEV’S head, and dashes away.
INT. WAY STATION, VAST CAVERNOUS CHAMBER – NIGHT
KAI is walking through the giant chamber, he is dwarfed by its immensity, a tiny figure in the distance. Unintimidated, he strolls through with his relentless rolling stride. As he passes by immense broken relict machines, he glances at them indifferently.
His footsteps echo in the Chamber. We listen to them as he walks. But there is something wrong with the rhythm.
KAI stops, looking alert and aware. The footsteps continue for a second and stop.
KAI turns around slowly, surveying the chamber. There is no sign of life.
KAI turns back to his original direction, and begins to walk. A second later, other footsteps join in.
KAI stops. Once again, an instant later, the other footsteps halt. KAI does not look around this time. He stands motionless for a few seconds, and then with the faintest smile, he begins to walk again, leaning into his relentless swaying stride.
The sound of footsteps ring out in the dark.
INT. WAY STATION, CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Running footsteps in the dark.
STAN is running down what seems to be an immensely long corridor. He’s gasping for breath, his eyes wide, his brow sweating. He’s running into darkness. Behind him, over his shoulder, the corridor ceiling lights turn on, one after the other, in sequence, faster and faster as if pursuing him.
The lights at his back come closer and closer, finally overtaking him. Suddenly, he’s illuminated in bright light. He curses and staggers to a halt. The lights race ahead of him, so that he’s trapped in a blazing bright corridor.
SALASHI VOICE
STANLEY…
STAN whirls, but there is no one behind him. He whirls again. The corridor is empty.
SALASHi VOICE
STANLEY… Come back, we only want
you for pleasure.
STAN glances around, licking his lips.
STAN
I’ve had enough of this. My ship is
the LEXX, the most powerful weapon of
destruction in two universes…
He pauses, seeming to take some comfort from the recital.
STAN
But that’s beside the point. The point is that it’s
parked right outside with orders to
destroy this place if I’m not back safe
and sound, pronto. Get it.
Nothing. No response at all, just the painfully bright lights shining in his face. He stands up straight, adjusts his uniform.
STAN
So don’t mess with me, or you’re in big
trouble. Understand.
A pot bellied greasy ROBOT grabs him from behind out of nowhere. Bits of hairy human skin and flesh poke out of metal armour. Thick rubbery lips, drool trailing down the corners of its mouth. The ROBOT whispers in his ear.
COLON ROBOT
So tell me, Skin Boy, have you ever
taken the time to appreciate a really
good bowel movement.
As STAN struggles helpless in its grip, the SALASHI ROBOT appears, and licks his face while binding his wrists in cuffs.
STAN
(terrified)
Where’d you come from?
SALASHI ROBOT fastens a collar around his neck. The two robots lewdly fondle the terrified STAN trapped tightly between them. SALASHI ROBOT starts undoing his overalls.
SALASHI ROBOT
We took a shortcut through the service
tunnels, silly boy. You’ve been running
through the outer ring.
COLON BOT
I helped you catch him. I get first choice on the cuts.
INT. WAY STATION, SOME KIND OF SERVICE AREA – NIGHT
KAI is squatting, examining a tripwire. His eyes calmly follow the wire all the way along the wall up to the ceiling.
After a moments consideration, KAI stands and walks several paces back. He aims at the tripwire and fires his brace.
WHAM the trap, snaps shut in front of him. He gazes at the trap for a second, and then looks around. He finds several pairs of footprints in the dust. Selecting the freshest ones, he begins to follow them.
The footprints lead KAI to two robots, both of them amalgamations of flesh and metal. They are coupling standing up, limbs wrapped around each other, bodies heaving together, metallic sighs and groans coming from them.
The first is distinctly feminine. The second, appears more masculine and aggressive, and carries a weapon magnetized to his hip. KAI walks toward them, with his inevitable unhurried stride. They see him, but do not separate. The female turns to face KAI as the male robot continues to fondle her.
WOND ROBOT
We thought you were killed?
KAI
Long ago.
WOND ROBOT
You do not register on our life
sensors, or our electronic scans. What are you?
KAI
I am KAI, last of the Brunnen G
KAI continues to approach. It’s clear that WOND ROBOT is enjoying being touched.
WOND ROBOT
That tells us nothing. What are you?
KAI
I am a former assassin for His Divine
Shadow in the former Light Universe,
and I am looking for my friends.
The male robot lets go WOND ROBOT, pushing her rudely aside to confront KAI in an aggressive, macho posture. It pulls a crude projectile weapon from its hip mount.
THUG ROBOT
I’ve heard enough. What you are is dead meat.
THUG ROBOT fires a shot. The impact knocks KAI back a step or two. He pauses and advances.
KAI
That is an accurate statement.
THUG ROBOT
Up your ass, sassin.
THUG ROBOT fires again, tearing KAI’S arm off. He simply reattaches it and keeps on coming.
THUG ROBOT
All right, you think you’re tough.
Let’s do it, one on one, freak. You and me.
THUG ROBOT rushes forward. KAI shoots him with the brace. THUG ROBOT falls. WOND ROBOT walks up and glances down at the dismantled THUG ROBOT. KAI approaches.
WOND ROBOT
That’s the trouble with male parts.
Too much testosterone.
KAI
An unusual condition for a Robot.
WOND ROBOT
Will you kill me as well?
KAI
Does it matter to you?
WOND ROBOT
Yes. I do not wish to die.
KAI
Are you a threat to me or my friends?
WOND ROBOT
No. I will offer no harm to you or your friends.
KAI
See that you do not, and there shall be no conflict.
WOND ROBOT
What are you?
KAI
I am dead.
WOND ROBOT runs her finger along KAI_S face, tracing his Brunnen G tattoo, touching his lips, and then sliding down across the fabric of his uniform, down…
WOND ROBOT
I have never had sex with dead flesh.
KAI
And you will not.
WOND ROBOT removes her finger from the indifferent KAI.
WOND ROBOT
You are of no interest then.
THUG ROBOT
Let me up! I’ll rip the rest of your
limbs off, poncey boy. I’ll wipe myself with that bun!
THUG ROBOT swings his carcass towards KAI. KAI glances down, his brace whirrs out. End of THUG ROBOT.
KAI
You are a robot?
WOND ROBOT
Yes, with human attachments.
WOND ROBOT strokes its body enticingly.
KAI
What is this place.
WOND ROBOT
It used to be a way station. Ages ago
it was a place that humans stopped,
for service, and to be serviced. We
were maintenance robots, but we were
applied to other purposes.
KAI
And now?
WOND ROBOT begins to touch herself again, her body swaying in a most unrobotlike way.
WOND ROBOT
(sensuously whispering)
We were awakened to the mysteries of
the orgasm. We tasted their pleasures,
drank deep of the satisfaction of
their flesh. It liberated us. Now we
devote ourselves to that pleasure, to
celebrate the raptures of the flesh,
the warm flesh and nothing but the
flesh. We are living and unliving.
Against the tides of pleasure, all
else is meaningless.
KAI
You remind me of a people I once knew.
The Brunnen G.
WOND ROBOT
They were your people.
KAI
Long ago.
Stepping very close to KAI.
WOND ROBOT
Join us, become as you were. You can
live again among us. Know again the
pleasures of the flesh.
KAI
I am beyond such things.
WOND ROBOT
What a shame, that those lips should
be so cold, that heart so unfeeling.
KAI
I have no heart.
WOND ROBOT
Neither do I, but I have other parts
that throb with hot wet desire.
KAI
This conversation is irrelevant. I
will not be distracted. Where are my friends?
WOND ROBOT
Are they dead too?
KAI
They are alive.
WOND ROBOT
(petulant)
Then they are most likely disassembled.
KAI
Why?
WOND ROBOT
For their flesh. For the pleasures of their flesh.
KAI
Take me to them.
INT. WAY STATION, MECHANICAL BOWELS – NIGHT
XEV’S head, hooked to life support, is passed from one mechanical clamp to another, scanned, measured, and turned, as it is transported inevitably to its destination.
MECHANICAL VOICE 1
Commencing lobe analysis.
We see a disembodied brain sitting in a tank, surrounded by wires. As we look closer, we see the brain is in bad shape. It appears to be rotting, with some areas collapsed, and others blackened. Electrical sparks crawl across the surface. Clearly, this brain is on its last lobes.
BRAIN
No time. Proceed.
MECHANICAL VOICE 2
Control failure imminent.
XEV’S head is transferred to a medical cradle. All around her, small whirring sawblades and delicate silver claws and clamps spring into action, preparing to slice away her flesh.
MECHANICAL VOICE 1
Commencing new control unit extraction.
XEV_S eyes spring wide, her mouth opens in a soundless scream as the whirring blades approach her eyes.
MECHANICAL VOICE 2
Control failure imminent. Recommend
replacement unit immediately. Countdown
to unit failure. 9… 8… 7…
BRAIN
No time. Proceed to next phase.
The brain is decaying visibly now. The effort of controlling the station and moving the replacement process along is bringing on final collapse.
Just before the blades and razors disassemble her beautiful face, XEV’S head is plucked from danger and transferred to a new cradle. Glowing laser tips approach.
MECHANICAL VOICE 2
6…. 5….
MECHANICAL VOICE 1
Installation of control conditioning
and programming in new unit.
BRAIN
NO. NO. No more time. Install
immediately.
MECHANICAL VOICE 2
4…. 3…..
XEV’S head is plucked again and moved to another cradle, a liquid tank. Machinery begins to insert more wires into XEV’S head as her hair floats languidly.
MECHANICAL VOICE 1
Installing control unit.
MECHANICAL VOICE 2
2… 1….. Control Unit failure.
BRAIN
At last…..
With a final burst of electrical impulses, the brain gives up.
MECHANICAL VOICE 1
Control Unit on line.
In her new fish tank, XEV’S eyes snap open again. Her eyes dart back and forth, her face looks a little nervous. Then, slowly, she smiles. She sighs. At first it is a human sigh, but it doesn’t stop, it continues, adding reverb, growing in volume, adding more reverb, until it seems to glide through the whole station.
EXT. SPACE, THE WAY STATION – NIGHT
The Way Station begins to come alive. One section after another rows of darkened windows or lamps bursting into life. Long dormant dish antenna, solar panel arrays, turrets, beginning to move.
INT. WAY STATION NIGHT
Through endless corridors, the sigh reverberates.
INT. WAY STATION – NIGHT
Through the station, fans start, levers, move, huge pistons begin to pump, elevators begin to rise, decorative fountains begin to spurt, the station begins a slow mechanical throbbing.
EXT. SPACE, WAY STATION – NIGHT
The Way Station begins to rotate slowly. There is a deep long sound of metal groaning, louder than any we’ve heard before.
INT. WAY STATION, DISSECTION ROOM – NIGHT
STAN is bound hand and foot to a table. Above and around the table is an intimidating assortment of scalpels, drills, lasers, and needles, all attached to spidery robot arms.
The room is obviously a dissection room or at the very best, a medical surgery. It’s messy, with brown splashes reminiscent of bloodstains, as well as lingerie hanging from instruments, sheets on the floor, cups and plates scattered about and possibly a few small leftover body parts and robot parts.
SALASHI ROBOT is fondling COLON ROBOT’S bare fleshy pot belly, the two of them writhing and grunting in obvious pleasure. The female robot turns around to rub its buttocks against its gross companion, as it does so, it bends close over STAN, caressing his hair, its lips inches from his face.
SALASHI ROBOT
Don’t think of it as death. Think of
it as being able to endlessly experience
the sensual heights of pleasure. It’s
just that you won’t be there to enjoy it.
STAN
I don’t believe it. You’re going to
cut me up for robot parts. But why?
SALASHI ROBOT
Ours are wearing out. Flesh doesn’t last like metal.
STAN
You should stick with metal! That’s much better
You said it. It doesn’t wear out!
SALASHI ROBOT
But Flesh doesn’t feel like metal, the
sensations of being cupped, and stroked,
fondled, licked. The pleasures of
eating, of penetration… Metal does not know orgasm.
COLON ROBOT bends over STAN. SALASHI ROBOT retreats into the background, continuing to caress the male bot.
COLON ROBOT
Once you’ve had flesh, you can never go back.
SALASHI ROBOT
But it wears out so quickly. So we
always need new flesh.
STAN
Mine isn’t new. It’s in terrible shape.
It’s old and used up, and… and… and
its Mine! I’m very attached to it.
COLON ROBOT
The infinite pleasures of eating. I
have a complete digestive system, you
know, colon and all. I’m not one of
these dilettantes who just dabble in
dining, a bit of chew and swallow, then
out the evacuation chute. I go all the
way. And so will you… All the way
through, I mean.
SALASHI ROBOT comes up behind COLON ROBOT and zaps him with a couple of electrodes. COLON ROBOT shakes and collapses. SALASHI plants a cable into the fallen robot.
SALASHI ROBOT
That should keep him out of trouble.
There’s more to life than eating and
excreting. He’s so boring. I have
a colon this, I have a colon that.
I don’t mind a good bowel movement, but
lets not build a religion around it.
STAN
(weakly)
Uh huh.
SALASHI ROBOT
You have no idea how tedious he can get.
(imitating COLON ROBOT) ‘If you aren’t
going to use that organ any more, can
I eat it?’ The nerve. Can you believe it?
STAN
No, I can’t.
SALASHI ROBOT
Just call me sentimental, I guess. I
always feel a special attachment to
the parts I’ve had in me.
STAN
Wait, wait! I have an idea! How about
my parts in you!
SALASHI ROBOT
(smiles)
That is the general idea. Don’t worry,
it won’t take long.
STAN
No, hold it. You’re female, right?
SALASHI ROBOT
I have that anatomy for now. I’m
looking at switching over. You know
what they say about the other side of
the fence.
SALASHI ROBOT strokes STAN’S crotch, bending low over him and whispering sexily.
SALASHI ROBOT
Yours isn’t the best I’ve seen, but
one takes what they can get.
STAN
(quickly)
Well, why don’t you test it out,
first. You know, you wouldn’t want
to strap mine on and find out it was
a dud. I mean, your parts work just
fine don’t they? Why take a chance?
SALASHI ROBOT
Thank you for your concern, but I’ll
run a full diagnostic before implanting anything.
STAN
What about me?
SALASHI ROBOT
I just want you for your body. The rest is disposable.
STAN
And then what? I mean, it must get
dull bumping axles with the same….
Uh… circuit boards over and over
again, no matter what parts they have.
You’ve already told me how sick you are of Colon Bot.
SALASHI ROBOT
(flirtatiously)
Why stranger, are you making a pass at me?
STAN
(swallowing)
Once you’ve had Stan, It’s all bland.
SALASHI ROBOT
(teasing)
I don’t think you can function under
your present circumstances. Most can’t.
STAN
Oh just give me a chance, I’ll
function like my life depended on it.
Don’t worry, I’ve never failed to
function in my life… Erm there was
that time… But not now. No way.
SALASHI ROBOT
(thinking it over)
All right, if you’re good enough,
maybe I won’t take it off right away.
STAN
You won’t regret this.
SALASHI ROBOT kisses STAN, long and passionately. As we see them kiss, we hear the sound of a zipper being drawn.
SALASHI ROBOT mounts STAN, straddling him. From the back, we see her metal breastplates opening on their own, spreading like strange, beautiful, silvery wings, as her body begins to move up and down.
Another of XEV’S sighs fill the room.
INT. WAY STATION, ANOTHER DISSECTING ROOM – NIGHT
XEV’S headless body lies on a table hooked up to machines.
The white robe is gone, but now her form is partially encased in a robotic exoskeleton designed to keep it alive.
The room is slightly different from SALASHI’S. The layout and instruments are the same. However, there is more black. Many of the instruments have add ons which make them look bulky and brutal compared to SALASHI’S spidery delicate tools. The room is festooned with leather straps, heavy chains and what looks like pieces of S&M gear.
790 sits on a shelf, extremely upset, growling quietly. DEBOCH ROBOT is buffing his chrome with a small polishing instrument. DEBOCH ROBOT looks up.
DEBOCH ROBOT
Get out of here. I found her, so I
get to wear the choice parts.
KAI
Leave her alone.
DEBOCH ROBOT
She’s prime this one. Completely
perfect, young, strong, with an
accelerated sexual architecture.
790
Kill him KAI! Kill him before he
desecrates my true love’s body any
further. Oh you can’t imagine what
he’s already done.
DEBOCH ROBOT pulls out a taser, and shoots at KAI. KAI fires back. End of DEBOCH ROBOT.
790
Kill them all KAI!
KAI
Is this XEV?
790
Oh yes.
KAI
She lives?
WOND ROBOT
We keep all body parts on life support.
790
So her head still lives?
WOND ROBOT
Most likely, yes.
KAI
Where is her head?
WOND ROBOT
I do not know. Possibly it has been
taken for a control core.
KAI
A control core?
WOND ROBOT
To control station functions, a human
brain is linked to the station
Suddenly, the lights brighten appreciably and XEV’S reverberating electronic sigh rolls through the room. KAI stares up at the ceiling. 790’S eyes swivel back and forth nervously. He seems to lick his lips.
790
XEV?
KAI
It seems that you are right.
790
We’ve got to rescue her.
KAI
No. XEV’S condition, whatever it is,
is stable. STANLEY may be in
greater danger, we must seek him out.
790
But we can’t just leave her body here,
surrounded by all these cyber ghouls.
WOND ROBOT
(stroking XEV’S thigh)
I’ll look after her.
790
You’ll do no such thing. Kill her KAI.
KAI
Can she be moved?
WOND ROBOT
With the proper attachment, this body
will be capable of moving itself.
KAI and WOND ROBOT turn to stare at 790’S robot head.
790
What? How does that help
(understanding dawns)
Hold on a second, wait. Stop, that’s
sacrilege. STOP!!!
INT. WAY STATION, MECHANICAL BOWELS – NIGHT
XEV’S head is nestled in the heart of an elaborate complex. Her eyes are closed, but she’s smiling, her lips moving, clearly enjoying herself.
MECHANICAL VOICE 2
System errors increasing. Adjustments
required.
MECHANICAL VOICE 1
Control unit defect. Amplified pleasure
stimulus centers. Accelerated libido.
MECHANICAL VOICE 2
Adjustment required.
A mechanical arm bearing a whirring drill whirrs to life, and begins arching towards XEV_S head.
XEV’S eyes open.
XEV
No!
The machinery seems to convulse. The drill arm thrashes, and then freezes.
MECHANICAL VOICE 2
Error. Err-
And then it_s voice is gone in a puff of smoke and a burst of electrical impulses. The two domes go dark.
XEV
(hungrily)
I WANT MORE!
INT. WAY STATION, SALASHI ROBOT_S LAB – NIGHT
SALASHI ROBOT is enjoying herself a great deal on top of STAN.
SALASHI ROBOT
Oh STAN oh yes STAN oh yes yes yes.
STAN
(gasping)
Could we rest in a little while?
SALASHI ROBOT
Oh yes, oh yes, yes. Oh STAN, if you
can just keep doing this for another
five or six hours…..
XEV
(Metallic reverb voice
over Station Communication)
I WANT MORE!
The lab goes bright. For a few seconds all the automated machinery turns on.
As the SALASHI ROBOT swivels to look around a drill arm swings and impales her through the chest.
SALASHI ROBOT
St…. St… STAN…..
Then nothing. The SALASHI ROBOT is dead.
STAN
Uhm… SALLY..? XEV..? KAI? Anybody?
I could use a little help here.
From the floor, comes a deep masculine groan.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
The Way Station is spinning erratically, speeding and slowing and speeding.
A radar dish, swinging back and forth, pulls free of its moorings.
INT. WAY STATION – NIGHT
XEV moans, and suddenly the air conditioners go overdrive, scattering plastic and papers down the hallways, overturning furniture.
The station creeks, anguished metal squealing.
Deep in the guts of the Station, massive pistons thrust up and down faster and faster. Elevators shoot up and down in their shafts. Massive lock doors slide back and forth.
XEV_S voice rings over the intercoms, drawn out, full of metallic reverb.
XEV
YESSS…..
Deeper in the guts of the Station, XEV_S head, attached to wires, floats in amber liquid. Light filtering through the liquid makes her look radiant. Her eyes are closed, mouth slack. Her lips move, she’s smiling.
Elsewhere in the Way Station tanks and cisterns overflow, water and oil splashes across floors.
XEV
MORE…..
The Way Station screams, ancient struts and girders, agonized at tensile limits.
INT. WAY STATION – SALASHI’S LAB
STAN is still trapped under the now permanently deactivated SALASHI ROBOT. COLON ROBOT, climbing to its feet, groaning, shoves the SALASHI ROBOT off STAN. It falls like a mannequin, frozen in posture.
COLON ROBOT
I never liked her anyway. Those older
models, too twitchy. Can’t turn your back
on them. You hear what I’m saying?
STAN
(terrified)
Uh right…
COLON ROBOT walks around STAN, examining the goods. He belches. He staggers suddenly, under a station quake.
COLON ROBOT
I hope you ate a lot of fiber. That’s
very important. You can’t get enough of it on here.
STAN
Uhm I’ve never really been fond of fiber.
COLON ROBOT selects among various tools and instruments, most of which are long and cylindrical, with an assortment of knobs.
COLON ROBOT
You know STAN, can I call you STAN?
I think it’s worked out better this
way. I mean, another Bot, slice off
your genitals, maybe a tongue, a few
skin grafts, that’s it. But me, I go
for the whole abdominal tract. You can
appreciate the difference.
He picks out his instrument. It looks like a cross between a jackhammer and some hellish multispeed vibrator. STAN can just spy it out of the corner of his eye. The COLON BOT shrugs into the harness, which leaves the instrument projecting at waist level.
STAN
Not really…
The COLON BOT pulls a lever, pushing STAN’S legs up. He saunters forward. The probe is activated by a pull cord. The BOT yanks the cord several times. STAN thrashes and struggles wildly.
COLON BOT
Time for your probe. We want to be sure
everything is in working order. (Laughs)
STAN
(desperately)
SALLY? SALASHA?
STAN begins to scream. The BOT yanks again, the probe roars into life.
COLON ROBOT
Feel free to say ‘Ahh,’ I guarantee,
you’ll feel this touch your tonsils.
The door opens and XEVNINETY walks in. 790’s head is mounted on Xev’s body, with a few extra struts and braces. For a second, everyone freezes. COLON ROBOT stares at XEVENINETY who stares back. Then XEVENINETY glances at STAN’S predicament.
XEVENINETY
Oh hello. Don’t mind us, just go on
with what you’re doing. We’re just
passing through. Enjoy.
STAN
HELP!!!
KAI peers over XEVENINETY’S shoulder and fires the brace at the COLON BOT, disabling it immediately, and rescuing STAN from another fate worse than death. XEVENINETY sighs and walks into the room, followed by KAI and WOND.
XEVENINETY
TWEEDLE you degenerate Slut!!! How
dare you wallow in the in the ooze
filled gutters of your own depravity
while my darling XEV is in mortal danger!
STAN
Erm… Uh… It_s not like it looks
like. Well, it is, but its different.
Taking a good look at the curving form under 790’S head.
STAN
Hey! Is that XEV’S body?
XEVENINETY
Ulk! Er… KAI! I demand you kill
STANLEY TWEEDLE right now.
STAN
Would you cut that out and untie me.
Where is XEV’S head, anyway?
KAI
We are searching for it.
WOND ROBOT
Can I have his parts?
XEVENINETY
You’re welcome to them, but I have
to warn you, they’re substandard and
decaying. Their best by date is long past.
STAN
Cut that out!
WOND ROBOT
It looks fine to me.
XEVENINETY
The warranty has definitely expired.
KAI
You may not dismantle STANLEY.
WOND ROBOT
(pouting)
You’re no fun.
KAI
The dead are not fun.
KAI and XEVENINETY pull the dead SALISHA ROBOT off of STAN and proceed to release him from his restraints.
XEVENINETY
Look at this! You disgust me TWEEDLE.
You must secretly enjoy being tied up.
WOND ROBOT
Really? I enjoy restraints too. Perhaps
we could spend some time together, later.
STAN gets to his feet very carefully. He’s moving slowly and wincing a little. He pulls on his uniform. Again, another station quake.
STAN
Yeah, right. Much later.
XEVENINETY, clearly having trouble coping with XEV’S bodies libido, is stealing glances at STAN as he dresses. KAI notices.
KAI
The station is breaking down. We must act quickly.
WOND ROBOT
This is impossible. The control center maintains stable
functions. Xev’s brain is fresh, the station should be
at optimum.
KAI
Incorrect. Xev is not standard human. She is a Love Slave
with Cluster Lizard DNA. Her love slave sex drive will
overwhelm the station systems and bring about destruction.
KAI turns to the XEVENINETY.
KAI
Show me the command core. Show me XEV.
XEVENINETY projects an image of XEV on a viewscreen. She looks like she’s enjoying herself.
KAI
XEV can you hear us?
XEV
(mouthing the word, voice reverbing) KAAAAAIIIIIIII…….
KAI
Are you in pain?
XEV
NOOO… I WANT MORRRE…
XEVENINETY
Don’t worry, bell curve of perfection.
We’ll get you out of there.
XEVENINETY addresses KAI.
XEVENINETY
There are shuttle tubes off the
ballroom that go directly to the
control centre. We can reach her
in minutes.
XEV
NOOO…. DON’T WANT OUT…
WANT MORE…..
XEVENINETY and KAI exchange glances. KAI addresses the WOND ROBOT.
KAI
You are skilled at harvesting human
parts. Are you equally skilled at rejoining them?
WOND ROBOT
I can do it, but I have a price.
KAI raises his brace and holds it to WOND.
KAI
The dead do not bargain.
WOND ROBOT
This station is dying. I do not want
to die. Take me with you.
KAI
You are not alive. (hesitates) But we
will grant your request.
WOND ROBOT
Then I will do as you ask. I will
prepare this facility, if you can
obtain your head.
KAI
Open a channel to XEV.
WOND ROBOT does so. XEV’S face appears on a monitor screen, eyes rolling with bliss. Then her image focuses.
XEV
(smiling)
790, STAN, KAIIIII! Sooooo nice
to seeee youuuuuu….
KAI
We can return you to your body.
XEV
No.
KAI
No? I do not understand.
XEV
I like thisssss. I feeeeel gooood
XEVENINETY
Darling XEV! You can’t be serious.
XEV
I grew up in a box. Now I’m back in
a box except it feels sooooo goood…
STAN
But XEV, the whole place is breaking
up. This place isn’t going to last
much longer.
XEV
I don’t care.
XEVENINETY
XEV Darling. You’re not rational.
You’ll feel better when you’re together again.
The monitor screen goes blank.
STAN
We’ve got to go get her.
KAI
She does not want to be rescued.
XEVENINETY
You mean you aren’t going to do anything.
KAI
I will respect her wishes.
STAN
She’s our friend.
KAI
I have no motivation to interfere
with the desires of the living.
STAN
What are we going to do?
KAI
You may go after her, yourself.
INT. WAY STATION – NIGHT
XEV sighs again, breathy moans slowly building in passion and volume.
Deep in the station, pistons surge, one of them breaches its shaft, the others continue to pump. Elevator doors open onto empty shafts.
INT. WAY STATION, BALLROOM – NIGHT
In the ballroom, holograms dance and flicker. STAN and XEVENINETY burst through. A hologram materializes by STAN,
startling him.
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
We’ve hit the big time.
STAN
(bitterly)
Get stuffed.
XEVENINETY
TWEEDLE! Pay attention there’s almost no time left.
STAN
You’re supposed to know where the shuttle tubes are.
XEVENINETY
Here…
STAN and XEVENINETY rush into the tube. Behind them, a hologram flickers.
DEBOCH HOLOGRAM
I’m dying for a shower. / I’m dying…
INT. WAY STATION, SHUTTLE TUBE
STAN and XEVENINETY shoved together as the tube zooms to its destination. XEVENINETY’S hands are covering her breasts.
STAN
I notice you touch yourself a lot.
XEVENINETY
Die TWEEDLE!
INT. WAY STATION, MACHINE GUTS – NIGHT
XEVENINETY and STAN stagger out of a transport chute. The control center is crowded with machines, many of which are inactive, others are flashing lights erratically. The room is full of smoke.
XEV
Go away 790.
790
XEV, this place is going down.
It’s coming apart, and you’ll go with it.
XEV
Then I’ll go out with a bang, the
biggest bang I’ve ever had.
STAN
XEV, there has to be more to life
than going out with a bang. Isn’t it
better to live?
XEV
790?
XEVENINETY
Yes, darling XEV?
XEV
Off.
XEVENINETY
Oh no. Don’t.
XEVENINETY’S eyes shut off, and their body topples. STAN catches it awkwardly. He stares down at her full breasts.
STAN
Oh boy, bad to worse.
XEVENINETY’S eyes flicker and go to imageless static. XEV’S reverbed voice floods over the intercom, and out of XEVENINETY.
XEV
I WANT MORE….
XEVENINETY’S body starts moving, wrapping STAN in a hug. As
STAN goes down, XEVENINETY pulls him on top, her hands all over his body.
STAN
This isn’t really the best time.
XEVENINETY’S eyes flicker, and it_s 790 back in control again. She takes one look and begins to strangle STAN.
XEVENINETY
TWEEDLE you disgusting hormonal misfire,
my XEV is in danger and all you can
think about is molesting me, I mean her, I mean us.
STAN
(choking)
It’s not me, it’s her. She’s trying to stop us.
XEV
790….
They freeze. XEVENINETY looks up.
XEV
Off.
STAN
ON! 790!!! ON! ON! TURN ON!!!
Frantically, STAN shoves XEVENINETY off him, as the Robots eyes flicker on and off, finally remaining on.
STAN
We have to cut this out or we’re all going to die.
XEV
Everything dies. It only matters
how you lived. I lived in a box.
STAN
XEV….
XEV
Please STAN, leave, I can hold this
station together long enough for you
to get away. But I can’t do it if I come with you.
STAN hesitates for just a second, and then metal coils loop around him and start dragging him towards a transfer chute. XEVENINETY ducks under whirling cables and reaches XEV’S head. XEV’S eyes blink open, and she stares at 790.
XEVENINETY
Darling, you belong together.
XEV
Think 790. You’ve always wanted my
body, you’ve wanted to love my body.
Now you can have it. It’s yours, I
give it to you.
XEVENINETY
It’s not your body I love. It’s you.
XEV
790, if you love me, you will not do
this.
XEVENINETY hesitates.
XEVENINETY
Forgive me darling.
XEVENINETY grabs the glass tank and pulls it out. XEV screams, a powerful reverbing cry that rings through the whole station, and then it is abruptly cut off.
XEV
N0000000000-
INT. WAY STATION, SALISHI’S LAB, NIGHT
XEVS scream rings through the lab. KAI and the ROBOT look up. Metal creeks.
WOND ROBOT
What if they do not return?
KAI
This is as good a place as any for a tomb.
WOND ROBOT
Perhaps your friend should have returned to your ship.
KAI
Perhaps, but he would have gone alone.
WOND ROBOT examines the remains of SALISHA ROBOT.
WOND ROBOT
I really liked those breasts. I should have had them.
KAI
You are welcome to them. After we recover XEV.
WOND ROBOT
(shaking head)
I believe that this is the end of
pleasure. The end of existence.
KAI
Is it the same for you?
WOND ROBOT
What point is life without pleasure.
I have spent a thousand upon a
thousand years seeking pleasure, it
is still not enough.
KAI
It is not a matter that troubles the dead.
The station shrieks again. WOND ROBOT looks around nervously. KAI does not.
EXT. SPACE, WAY STATION – NIGHT
The Way Station continues to turn rapidly. Lights flicker on and off on its surface. Pale wisps of gas trail from it.
Abruptly, one of the projecting cathedral like spires tears loose, dragging by suspension cables. Other spires, linked to those same cables begin to bend.
The death of the station continues….
INT. WAY STATION, BALLROOM – NIGHT
XEVENINETY runs through the ballroom carrying XEV’S head. STAN follows.
Behind them, a tear opens in the curving bulkhead exposing starlight. XEVENINETY and STAN sprint. Plastic, furniture and garbage fly all around them as the sound of gale force winds join the ship’s shrieking.
XEVENINETY stumbles, and loses XEV’S head. It tumbles through the air.
XEVENINETY
XEVVVVV!!!!!
STAN
I got her….
STAN catches the head as it flies past him. XEVENINETY floundering and tumbling backwards, grabs STAN’S thigh, just as STAN latches onto purchase.
STAN
790, I can’t hold on. I can_t….
XEVENINETY
TWEEDLE, don’t even think of letting go…
STAN gives an inarticulate scream. The head of XEV goes flying through the air, turning.
KAI_S brace whirrs out of nowhere, snagging it and drawing it back to his arms. Once he has the head secured, he uses the brace to yank STAN and XEVENINETY. He slams the airlock shut and then notes XEVENINETY_S grip on STAN’S pants.
KAI
It appears, STANLEY, whatever the case
with women, robots find you irresistible.
790
(a little too hastily)
An irresistible urge to vomit.
STAN
(puffing)
I thought you weren’t going to rescue her.
KAI
XEV did not want to be rescued. I
assumed you might not share her wish.
KAI glances around.
KAI
Come. Time is short.
INT. WAY STATION, MEDICAL LAB
XEV’S body lies on the medical table. Around her, spiderlike instruments poke and prod and whirr, stripping away robot armour. 790’S head is detached and handed to KAI. STAN paces nervously. The WOND ROBOT is at an instrument panel operating the auto-surgery.
The station is in bad shape. Minor tremors keep going off. The room is half full of smoke, and the station’s metal creaking has become a symphony, rising and falling.
STAN
I don’t understand it. She’s not doing
it any longer. What’s going on.
WOND ROBOT
The station has passed the point of no
return. The process is irreversible.
The station gives a metallic shriek, the loudest yet. 790’s head rolls off the table. STAN hits the floor. A laser cuts WOND ROBOT in half. The beam slices through KAI, who catches the armature and shuts it off. 790’s head goes rolling across the floor.
STAN
KAI!
KAI
I am fine, but we have lost our auto-surgeon.
790
TWEEDLE you worthless collection of
reject organs, help me! I can finish it! Plug me in!
KAI
Do it quickly, this place will not last much longer.
790
Wait! Put the other body on the table.
I can fix it. I can use it.
KAI
No time. The station’s integrity is compromised.
790
Please, just an hour.
STAN
This place won’t be habitable for more
than a few more minutes.
KAI picks up XEV in his arms.
KAI
Get 790 to lead us, I will follow.
STAN grabs 790’S robot head. The lights are flicking on and off. Holograms from the station’s past keep appearing, mouthing nonsensical dialogue.
KAI pauses to glance at the WOND ROBOT.
KAI
I am sorry.
And then he runs like the wind, scattering Holograms like doves. XEV wakes in his arms, she smiles up at him.
XEV
I had the most wonderful dream.
KAI
What did you dream?
XEV
I don’t remember much. I just remember
that I enjoyed it a lot.
XEV snuggles up against KAI and drifts back to sleep.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
The moth flies away from the disintegrating station towards the LEXX.
INT. LEXX, BRIDGE – DAWN
The Way Station is entering final break up, torn apart by rampant internal stresses. Some parts of the station are glowing, clearly burning up inside.
790
A whole station full of bodies.
Fully equipped, fully functioning
bodies, with all features included…
And you couldn’t save one for me.
What’s wrong with you people!
KAI
There was no time.
XEV steps onto the bridge, still looking a little woozy.
790
Darling XEV! Can you ever forgive me
for wearing your body. I wanted us
to be together, but not like that.
XEV
As long as you didn’t do anything with
it that I wouldn’t have.
STAN
How are you feeling?
KAI
You appear to be unaffected by your ordeal.
XEV
Becoming part of the station? I
remember it now. Strangely Enough, I
found it an incredibly pleasurable experience.
STAN
We noticed.
XEV
In a way, I’m sorry it finished
without me.
STAN
I’m sorry it happened.
XEV
Don’t be. Better to go out and embrace
life, whatever the risk, than never to
have lived at all.
Up on the LEXX screen, the station finally blows apart. The LEXX turns around ponderously and flies off into deep space.
THE END
COMMENTARY: I was a huge LEXX fan, and I guess, obviously, I still am. Back around 1998/1999, as I was quitting my old job, I got wind of a LEXX convention, an ‘UnCon’ in Halifax. I had a bit of extra money then, so I decided to go with my wife. We had a great time, we met cast and crew, got to visit the sets, even saw some scenes being filmed.
When I got home, I was quite inspired, so I decided to pitch Salter Street with a book proposal. At that time, I was an active short story writer, had a novel being shopped around, and some somewhat recent newspaper credits as a columnist and reporter. I was pretty active on LEXX bulletin boards, so I figured why not. So I pitched, and didn’t hear back for a while. I remained very active on LEXX bulletin boards discussing the show, and eventually, either because of my pitch, or because Paul Donovan liked my bulletin board posts, I got invited to do the book.
Along the way though, I decided to try my hand at submitting spec scripts for LEXX to Salter Street. As I said, I was a prolific short story writer, I’d done a couple of short scripts for Winnipeg Film Group projects. And I wanted to practice with the format. I had three ideas – Xeveninety, Clones and Clockwork. I wrote two of them up as full scripts, submitted them to Salter Street, with appropriate releases, and never heard back.
Well, not quite. I remember on a trip to Halifax, Hannes Nothegger, Paul Donovan’s personal assistant mentioned them. I didn’t need to talk about them, but he mentioned that Paul had liked one of the two. To this day, I don’t know which one that was. Or if he was simply just trying to be polite.
By the time I submitted them, LEXX was into its third and fourth series, and the show had changed tone and content dramatically. My scripts, obviously, were calibrated to the first and second years, so obviously, they didn’t fly. But it was okay, because I really enjoyed writing them.
I hope that you do too. What you’ve just read hasn’t been seen by anyone in twenty years, and I’m just happy to have it out there. I’m assuming that if you’ve read these scripts, you’ve actually watched LEXX. If you’re going into them blind, god knows what you’ll make of them.
A few comments, about the script…
The opening scene is an adaptation of a fanfiction I wrote called ‘Final Journey.’ Basically it was a few thousand word throwaway piece. It’s far in the future, Stan is almost senile and dying of old age, Xev and Lyekka died a long time ago, so long ago Stan has trouble keeping them straight. Even 790 wore out. At one point, crazed by loneliness, Stan hollowed out the robot head and wore him for a while. Stan’s been travelling a long long time, getting old without ever finding a home. Somehow, Kai’s lasted long enough to take care of him. Stan dies of old age, Kai tells LEXX and then shuts down. LEXX wonders what to do if he doesn’t have a captain.
Really nice, short, poignant piece. Some fans contacted me and asked me if they could translate it into Russian and publish it. I said sure. That, by the way, is my Russian translation credit.
It made for a nice ‘mid-life crisis’ dream for Stan, to motivate him to want to get out and live a little. And as a dream, it also fit into LEXX’s preoccupation with dreams and surreal dreamlike imagery. A great many episodes involve the characters having dreams, falling asleep or waking up, or experiencing dreamlike fantasies – we see this in Supernova, in Terminal, Lyekka, Patches in the Sky, Garden, Apocalexx Now and others. Even where experiences are not actual dreams, there’s often dreamlike sequences. Surrealism is a huge part of LEXX.
There’s the standard series premise inserts – Kai has to explain he’s dead, Xev has to announce she’s a love slave/cluster lizard with accelerated libido, Stan has to tell someone how powerful the LEXX is. So these ‘audience identifier’ markers had to go in.
I had two fun ideas –
First, I wanted to tell a LEXX ghost story. That’s where the holograms start, and the space station is basically a haunted house. The Holograms were a nice sci fi version of ghosts – leftovers from people who were there, their images appearing broken and distorted. Uttering fragments of sentences whose contexts change. ‘I’m dying for a shower…’ to ‘I’m dying… I’m dying… I’m dying…’ Stuff like that. You could do creepy, distracting fun things with that. But it wasn’t enough.
But being LEXX I wanted to turn that ghost story inside out. What are ghosts – unliving insubstantial immaterial beings. So turn that on its head, what’s the opposite of ghosts… the anti-ghosts. Fleshy creatures? Robots? What did they haunt, or want to haunt? Ghosts are disembodied spirit – the anti-ghosts would want flesh? Cannibalism – ick! More than that, they would want fleshly experience, to touch, to feel, to taste, to know pleasure or pain or simple existence.
That kind of evolved into the idea of robots that wanted flesh parts, not for utilitarian purposes, but because they wanted pleasure. They wanted the nerve endings so they could enjoy hot and cold, so that they could enjoy sensations, sex, eating, digesting, all the things we just do or take for granted. That’s what they’d want human parts for. But human parts wear out much faster than robot parts, so they’d have to keep replacing them. So my ghosts became hedonistic, sensuous robots, inhabiting an abandoned space station, preying on unwary travellers and harvesting their bodies so that they could experience pleasure and sensation.
That kind of filled in the personalities of the robots – exaggerations of human sensation and attitude, whether it was belligerence, sadism, sensuality or simple pleasure seeking. You could have a jerk, a slut, and even one who was reasonably friendly, sort of. I liked the idea of the Robots feeling alive, or wanting to feel alive, in contrast to Kai who doesn’t feel alive and has no motivation. There was a nice juxtaposition there, and a little reference to Blade Runner.
I liked the visual of that idea, this utilitarian space station, but everywhere you go in it, there’s feather boas, and sex toys, used condoms, lingerie, and all manner of toys and sex toys, the remains of feasts and orgies, and bits of luxury everywhere. That was a fun way to dress up a haunted house. A clearly haunted house, but one that had been partied hard in.
By the way, in the LEXX universe, robots aren’t just robots. Rather, they’re cyborgs, with human bodies, or parts of human bodies being converted and attached to machines or mechanical frames and appendages, hollowed out of any identity, and set off to do robotic tasks. So this kind of turned the Divine Order’s robots on their head.
Second, in the first two of series, particularly the first series, Kai was always getting dismembered or decapitated, in I Worship His Shadow, Supernova, Luvliner, Lafftrack, Brunnen H and shrugging it off. Even Stan had been dismembered, when he lost his hand in Supernova and got his heart crushed in the Terminal, and almost beheaded again in Lafftrack. 790’s whole thing was that he’d been decapitated right from the start, though he occasionally managed to get a body.
So I thought, fair’s fair, why not have Xev get a turn being decapitated? A few things flowed from that. I didn’t want to just cut her head off… that would be hard to come back from, and that’s kind of grim. So I thought, why is she decapitated? Someone needs her head. What for? Maybe to control some kind of system, to plug her in somewhere. Having your head cut off would be a pretty horrible thing, so I wanted to subvert that.
So I thought, maybe she turns out to like it it – when she gets plugged in to the system, instead of simply melding with the machine systems like a good obedient brain, she takes control of it, and her sex drive begins to tear the systems apart as she uses her new ‘body’ to work towards orgasm. …. and yes, I completely appreciate how utterly creepy this sounds when I put it like that…. Xev’s whole thing was her Cluster Lizard side and her accelerated libido, on the one side, and deep insecurity on the other, so overloading the new ‘body’ made sense. And I liked the idea of an attempt to victimize Xev backfiring and her taking power. So, yeah, creepy, but it was par for the course for the show overall and for this particular story.
And coming out of that, what happens with Xev’s body, when she’s decapitated? Obviously, she gets her head back. But what to do? Would it just go into storage until she’s put back together? I had this idea that maybe 790 would pilot it. Through the series, 790’s made a few attempts to get a body back, the better to worship his love, it never turns out. But what if he was forced to take Xev’s body, to usurp the body of the woman he loved – that would be sacrilege to him, it would be the one body he’d never want, and that seemed like an interesting idea.
A few other things – Stan’s terrified run around the station’s outer ring was a homage to that scene on the treadmill in 2001: A Space Odyssey – where the astronaut to keep fit jogs all along his spaceship’s outer ring. I liked the idea of Stan fleeing for his life, and just running in a circle to end up back in the arms of the creatures he’s fleeing from.
And, believe it or not, I wanted to do some fun stuff with Xev. Her backstory is that she had a horrible life – she grew up in a box, she was given to a husband who rejected her, and she’d spent most of her life after that on the LEXX which was a fairly impoverished environment – using face masks for dinner plates, a human thigh bone for a club, making her clothes out of a cluster lizard skin. As tough as she is, insecurity is very close to the surface. I wanted to show her just enjoying herself, relaxing and playing with stuff – simply being happy.
I also wanted to just trash this ‘gothic cliche’ of the woman in the white gown being terrorized in the haunted house, either by the ghosts, or Jason Voorhees, or the mad wife that the creepy suitor keeps locked in the attic. The bad guys try to run that shtick on her, and she’s not only not terrified, but she kicks ass.
I think it’s a good story, overall. Arguably, it contains enough cool ideas, I’d love to actually do something commercial with it. Maybe I’ll try someday. But the thing is, it’s so intrinsically LEXX, so bound up in LEXX’s tropes and sensibility, I can’t really see applying to anything else. It’s just not generic, it’s thoroughly LEXX. So I don’t really anything else I can do with it. I’m happy with it, and I’m happy to share it for free.