Three weeks to go! That’s three weeks to the release of LEXX Unauthorized, Volume 2, From Here to the End of the Universe!
This is an ultimate LEXX Book, focusing on the second season of the surrealistic, sexy, strange space opera, LEXX, about a cowardly captain, an undead assassin, a virgin love slave, an annoying robot head, all of them looking for a good time, while carting about the Universe in a giant bug ten miles long that blows up planets. Twenty years in the making, packed with amazing revelations, interviews and all that good stuff!
LEXX Unauthorized, Volume One, Backstage at the Dark Zone, chronicling the first series is already out! Volume Two will be out March 31, 2020. Don’t miss it! Spread the word!
Seriously, spread the word. I’m writing books about a series that’s been gone for almost twenty years. They’re good books, they’re amazing books, but, I could use some help. A little word of mouth, dropping notes to fellow Lexx fans, or even anyone into cult sci fi. I’d appreciate it. Really. Do me a solid, help a guy out.
To promote the book, I’m circulating weekly blog posts, to hopefully raises some interest. So here goes! Today, I’m offering up an entire LEXX script, never before seen by human eyes.
XEVENINETY – a bit Gothic romance, a bit ghost story, a bit Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and all LEXX all the time….
Twenty years ago, I started this book project. But did you know, that not only was I writing about LEXX, I tried to write for LEXX? Yep!
Through it’s history, LEXX has only ever had a handful of writers. There’s the Supreme Beans – Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff and Jeff Hirschfield, between them, they have credits on 63 out of 66. There was the German producer, Wolfram Tichy, who contributed four ideas, bits of which, particularly Twilight, made it into the finished version, and who did the German lyrics for Brigadoom. In the fourth year, there were a few English writers brought in as a requirement of British co-production funding – Tom DeVil, Andy Selzer, John Spira, and finally, there was Frank McGuiness, a Salter Street guy who managed to get a spec script in almost at the end. There was also an American guy from the first year, can’t recall, did a version of Supernova which was rejected.
The thing was, Salter Street Films, the creators and producers of LEXX were a small, down home outfit. Very much a closed shop. But because it was so small and so intimate, they weren’t bureaucratic at all. So if you were sufficiently LEXXish, there was a chance you might possibly get through the door.
The first guy to try, apart from the American, who had come in through Showtime, was a Halifax journalist named Ian Johnson, who did the original magazine articles on LEXX for Cinefantasique. He learned enough and was enthusiastic enough, that he pitched a script. Didn’t go over, but I respected the effort.
Another interesting effort was made by a couple of guys actually working on the show – Dennis Murphy, the videomatics supervisor, and Sven Bergman, the 790 ‘eye’ operator. They were trying to help out because the writers in the second season were struggling with the ending, so they wrote a script. It wasn’t used, but it was a nice gesture.
Frank McGuiness, the guy who eventually got through the door… He was actually the one reading spec scripts for Salter.
Anyway, the thing was, that when the show was on, I was a huge huge fan. Wrote about it online. Read everything I could find. Getting to work on the book was like a dream come true. And when you’re that enthusiastic, you want to try your hand. So I came up with three big ideas – Xeveninety, Clones and Clockwork. From this, I wrote two scripts, sent them in….
And never heard back. That was okay, I didn’t expect to hear back. In a sense, the scripts were my love letters to the show. The truth was, that they never had a chance. They were obsolete. The scripts were very much in the sensibility of the first and second seasons. And by the time I sent them in, the show had moved on, production was on to the third and fourth seasons.
I did hear once from Hannes Nothegger, Paul Donovan’s assistant, that Paul had liked one of them. I don’t know if that was true, or if he was just being nice.
But you know what? As I’ve been pulling my old drafts of the LEXX books together, I came across them and I thought they were pretty damned good. So decided that they’d be fun to use to try and push the book project. They haven’t been seen in twenty years, but I think they capture the feel of LEXX.
XEVENINETY is basically the LEXX version of the Texas Chain Saw Massacre. It’s violent, gory, scary and funny. Here are a couple of excerpts… The opening:
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
Panoramic view of an ornate space station. It looks like a zero g version of a Gothic cathedral crossed with a
suspension bridge, with towers and spires and struts, full of gaudy ornamentation. Behind it a monstrous ringed gas giant sits, gaudily banded, with several hurricanes visible on its surface
INTERIOR OF WAY STATION – NIGHT
The interior of the way station is opulent, an old, ornate, luxurious hotel. But it is an ancient luxury, covered with dust, some of the furnishings and fixtures in a state of obvious decay or disrepair. Light fixtures hang from the ceiling, some of the furniture is broken or overturned. The air is dusty. The place is dark.
NOTE: The space station is built of modular components, so all of the chambers will be identical. Only one set is required, which can be dressed differently to represent different chambers or rooms in the station, used for different purposes. This should limit costs.
The darkness is pierced by wavering flashlight beams. Three figures encased in spacesuits move warily through the chambers. They are DEBOCH, a male; SALASHI, a female; and WOND another female.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve hit the big time.
Two years of breathing canned air,
eating recycled waste products. It was all worth it.
Do you think we can can get this place activated.
I’m dying for a shower.
After finding this place. You can spend
your life in the shower. None of us
will ever have to work again.
Lights go on, the place hums with renewed life.
WOND looks around nervously. The station creeks, an ancient metal sound.
I didn’t do that.
Come on. You said yourself, this place
hasn’t been active for generations. It
couldn’t turn itself on, could it?
It just did.
A metallic clanking can be heard, approaching, coming closer and closer. The scavenging crew look at each other nervously.
INT. WAY STATION – NIGHT
The sounds of SCREAMING roll down deserted corridors.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
The mighty LEXX cruises through the void.
INT. LEXX, GALLEY – NIGHT
KAI is alone in the galley, patiently filling a Divine Predecessors mask with greenish goo. When he finishes, he picks up a sloshing bag, slings it over his shoulder, and carries it and the mask away.
As he walks away, his foot accidentally kicks 790’S head. It rolls away hollowly. We see that it has been scooped out and is now an empty shell. Vacant eye and mouth holes show the back of the robot head.
INT. LEXX, STAN’S BEDCHAMBER – NIGHT…..
And here’s another scene from the middle, featuring Xev in a Gothic Horror Paperback Cover situation, and handling it her own way. In addition to the Texas Chain Saw Massacre, I throw in a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey, and a few other thing, just for entertainment. No more spoilers.
INT. WAY STATION – NIGHT
XEV runs down a corridor, 790 clutched in her hands, white diaphanous robe billowing behind her.
(whispering from the intercoms)
XEV… XEV… XEV… there’s nowhere to run.
XEV flees down another corridor. And then another. Doors close before her and open behind her. At the end of one hallway, she hammers at the doorlock control, but it won’t open.
I’m coming for you XEV, I’m coming to
get you. There’s no escape.
XEV turns around, but there_s nothing.
Open the door 790.
790’S scanning beams play over the lock controls
I regret that I cannot, my darling. There
is an override shutting me out. Flee.
The creaking noises of the station seem to increase.
Can you raise KAI or STANLEY?
I’m broadcasting, but I’m not getting
a signal from either one of them.
They’re either inaccessible, or….
No one can help you XEV. I’m coming…
Behind them, the hallway door suddenly slides open.
Flee XEV… You cannot escape.
It’s a trap! Don’t!!!
XEV flees down the hall, into a grand ballroom. Around them, flickering holograms blur into quasi-life as she passes unnoticed among them. The include the space suited SALISHI, DEBOCH and WOND multiplied.
Lights flicker on and off at her passing. Sudden gusts of ventilation scatters light plastic and dust. And thick fog billows out of some vents.
Which way 790?
Left, go left.
Swivel mounted lamps wave back and forth, their beams piercing the fog seeming to search for her.
There! That doorway.
XEV bolts for the open doorway, but at the last moment, she trips. 790’S head rolls through into the black chasm beyond.
XEV!!! Don_t leave m/
As XEV scrambles forward, the door slams/slides shut in her face. She hammers at the door with her fists, shrieking.
All around the ballroom holographs flicker in and out of existence, and doors slam shut. DEBOCH’S laughter rings through. XEV turns around and around, searching.
What do you want?
Those lips, those eyes, round hips,
warm thighs, sweet wet bits and full round…
You want me? Show yourself.
I don’t want your human heart,
I just want your silkiest part.
XEV gives a cluster lizard growl. She grabs a freestanding candelabra for a pole, and walks in, among the holograms and fog, crouched for combat. The light begins to strobe. From out of the background chatter, a shape close to her speaks:
…..this place hasn’t been active for generations.
Recognizing the voice, XEV swings savagely, stumbling as her makeshift staff flickers through the Hologram. She stares.
It couldn’t turn itself on, could it?
She looks around. Next to her, another DEBOCH HOLOGRAM speaks:
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve hit the big time.
A noise behind her. She whirls, another DEBOCH Hologram.
She pokes her finger through it.
…for a shower.
From behind her, another voice.
Ladies and Gentlemen….
A blow from behind catches her as she’s turning. She’s knocked forward. The DEBOCH ROBOT, right side of his body still recogniseable from his holographic images, left side cased in metal and plastic, advances on her, clutching her breasts from behind.
We’ve definitely hit the big time. You’re quite a prize.
XEV snarls her cluster lizard growl and jams an elbow into his chestplate to break free. Then she attacks, swinging her staff. DEBOCH ROBOT falls back before her onslaught.
XEV growls and swings.
And swings. DEBOCH ROBOT, flailing, goes down.
XEV slams her staff into the fallen android a few more times. Her face is a ferocious mask of triumph.
Abruptly, the holograms all vanish. The lights stop flickering. Everything is silent. XEV looks around, then goes to one of the doors.
She hammers at a lock control with her fist, and all of the doors spring open. She strides through one. …
There you go! If you liked that, then go and read the whole thing! Check it out, boys and girls. If you like it, pass the word and leave some comments. Feedback is gratefully appreciated (unless you tell me I suck and I’m a terrible person – I already know that, duh!).
If the feedback is positive, I may even release the other LEXX script I did, which is equally funny, scary, gory and weird; and the treatment for the third, and whatever else I can throw up on the screen.
And buy the books, of course!